Praying for the Sweet Release that Only Death Can Bring

Cruel Summer

Hot summer streets
And the pavements are burning
I sit around
Trying to smile but
The air is so heavy and dry

Strange voices are saying
(What did they say?)
Things I can't understand
It's too close for comfort
This heat has got
Right out of hand

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel), cruel summer
Now you're gone

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel), cruel summer
Now you're gone

The city is crowded
My friends are away
And I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle
So I got to get up and go

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel), cruel summer
Now you're gone

-Bananarama (S. Dallin, S. Fahey, S. Jolley, T. Swain, & K. Woodward)

Well, you are the mother of my predicament.

She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitarium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there remains a sucking chest wound where once there dwelt a heart!

-Frasier

Perspective

-You shot me in the back.

-If you wanted to be shot in front you should have run towards me.

-Justified

Sowing the Seeds of Love

Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes.

-Justified

Jesus

Jesus, if you help me find him, once I kill him, I swear I'll straighten up. I'll go to church, Sunday school, whatever you want. But Goddamn it, I gotta get this thing done, you understand....

-Justified

Deafeated

Hell is other people.

-Jean-Paul Sartre

I Cried A Mighty Cry Last Night

Truthiness

Even though everything I said is true, it doesn't make me any less of a liar.

-Dexter

What Did I Do Wrong THIS time?

Kissing A Fool

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool."   

- Richard P. Feynman

But Does He Make You Laugh?

Lonely Way To Live

-It has its costs.

-What does?

-Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere. Once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, in all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.

-Seems like a lonely way to live.

-As I said....has its costs.

-Elementary

On To The Next Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

Replies the scorpion: "It's my nature..."

Another One Bites The Dust

I definitely should not be doing this, but if the past is any prologue, then there's little harm that can come from the miscellaneous ramblings of my syphilitic brain.  Thought that might catch your attention!  Syphilis often does stop conversation dead in its tracks!  No, that STI requires some sort of sexual activity with a cohort of some kind, and well, let's just say...

By all accounts I SHOULD be ok.  But I'm not!  The how, why, and when don't matter any, I just ain't right.  I try to fool myself into believing that I'm ok, but honestly I'm not. 

I have trouble getting in touch with my insanity and can't quite  accept it as part of me. It's just a simple fact that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Nothing more, nothing less.  There are no moral considerations, it's just how it is in this drunk bloke's objective reality.

Do I go back or do I stay or do I try a different path?  Rather, can I go back, stay, or try a different path?

WTF!

Precious

I've felt lower than this in the past to be sure, but that seems of little consolation to me at the moment. I stand here, yet again, heartbroken and seeking refuge in all sorts of maladaptive behaviors. I'm trying to dull the pain, make time go by faster, but thus far my attempts have been futile at best.

It's a chore to wake up every morning. Every morning is a reminder of just how big a a loser I am. No job, no money, no prospects, painfully alone; sleep alone, wake up alone, eat alone, grieve alone, all alone.

I fucking hate this feeling. This feeling of social isolation, of not fitting in anywhere, and of not being accepted. Acceptance is key, but acceptance of my sorry state is not a pleasant task.

All I know is I hurt. I hurt, like I've hurt many times in the past, and by definition hurt does not feel good.

It sucks!

I need to stay positive and stay focused. Ha ha, focused! That's rich. Focused, tough to stay focused as intoxicated as I am!

I need help!

When In Doubt...

Let it be.

Europe 8-2012

Stomachache

I don’t know how many more exercises in humility I can stomach.

That Was Quick

-I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must've happened!

-It's not you, it's me!

-You're giving ME the "it's not you, it's me routine?" I invented the "it's not you, it's me!" Nobody tells me it's them not me. If it's anybody then it's me!

-All right, George, it's you!

-You're damn right it's me!

-Look I was just trying to...

-I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me!

-I'm sure you do it very well.

-Ha ha, yes well. Unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.

I Heart VLD

The picture you see is no portrait of me
It's too real to be shown to someone I don't know
And it's driving me wild
It makes me act like a child

-New Order

Curse

Social awkwardness is often the curse of genius.

-Justified

Attraction Is A Tough Nut To Crack

She's A Stubborn Mistress

Let go of the darkness… How is that even possible?

-Dexter

Peace, Love, and Understanding

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. 

-The Simpsons

The Best Laid Plans

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

-Woody Allen

Promised You A Miracle

If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.

-Mark Twain

I Sometimes Spell Check My Shopping Lists

I was thinking of remarkable moments in my life and in 2/2/2009 came up with this very random list:

In one pickup half court game at UCLA in the early 90’s I was unstoppable. Every ridiculous shot, drive, anything, it went in. Given my limited basketball skills, all my friends and I were left speechless.

Had to convince an elderly patient with a lot of health issues she needed to go into assisted living and it wasn’t such a good idea for her to be home alone. She didn’t listen to anyone, not her family, not her doctors, but to me, a lowly junior medical student, she called Zack. I felt proud and sad all at the same time.

DJing a New Year’s Eve Party ushering in 2000. We were expecting 10 – 20 people, but ended up with a crowd closer to a hundred in a tiny wood cabin in Tahoe. People dancing everywhere, inside, outside, and even on top of the kitchen counters. One of the greatest moments was when I tossed on "a risky track" for the dance floor, Papa Roach’s “Last Resort” and much to my surprise the whole place erupted!

Following the infamous ’00 party my roommate and I drove thirty hours straight from Tahoe to Milwaukee. Towards the end we were stopping every 20 minutes or so to trade shifts and were probably hallucinating along the way. We also saw a guy en route who had a 13” TV on his passenger dash, on which he was catching a sporting event while driving.

Studying with a friend and getting slap happy around 4:00 a.m. we decided it was a great idea to go to Vegas for the weekend. Hopped online, got tix, and a hotel room. One hitch, flight was out of Chicago and we lived in Milwaukee, 90 miles away. Get in the car, speeding like mad men to get to the airport and along the way we spot a McDonald's in the middle of the freeway. Not on top of the freeway like an overpass, no right smack dab in the middle of the road between the north and southbound lanes. Had it’s own dedicated entrance and exit. We couldn’t pass up the opportunity and ordered some grub. We finally get to the airport after one of Shag’s all too famous ‘detours,’ run to the gate only to find the gate has been moved, with about 5 minutes till take off. They call ahead and we run our asses off, they re-open the door and we fly off to one of the greatest Vegas getaways ever.

My freshman year @ UCLA, I wrote a scathing anonymous evaluation of my Chem professor, going on and on about how unfair and arbitrary the grading system was. I ended up getting an A in the class and a really nice letter from her, lauding my efforts and volunteering to write me a letter of rec. I felt so guilty, I never took her up on the offer.

As an Alex P. Keaton conservative in undergrad, I wrote a surprisingly elegant treatise on the virtues of the Nixon administration and it’s handling of the Arab oil embargo. To this day I shudder whenever I think about that.

Popular

-That was hard!

-If it was easy, everybody would be popular.

-Modern Family

How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

Oh how I fucking hate the South Bay. I hate the South Bay with a burning passion. I hate the South Bay with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I can feel my blood pressure rising every waking moment I spend in that God forsaken hell scape. And it's not just the obvious association between the South Bay and whatsherface. Oh no, my hatred for Hades predates her appearance by at least a decade.

The distortions in perspective frustrate the life out of me. A counter intuitive mishmash of identical storefronts that flaunt a style neither classic nor modern. Massive diagonal streets that run for miles and miles from the 405 in either direction, intersecting the streets that intersect the ocean and wait for it... the fucking ocean! It's like fucking Halstead!

The highway that's named for a distant coast not to be seen...the constant congestion...the mall named after a street a half a mile away...useless little access roads lined by cookie cutter blander than bland houses. I HATE them all.

Of course as the months pass, I will not so readily recall the breadth of my animus for this shit hole, and once again will convince myself that THIS time, it will be different.

Well it won't be, and for my sake I hope that THIS time I will commit my boundless contempt to memory.

Catch Me I'm Falling

-You fool! As if it matters how a man falls down!

-When the fall’s all that’s left, it matters a great deal.

-The West Wing (adapted from The Lion In Winter)

Leap Before You Look

A solitude ten thousand fathoms deep
Sustains the bed on which we lie, my dear;
Although I love you, you will have to leap;
Our dream of safety has to disappear.

-W. H. Auden

All You Have To Do Is Dream

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

-W. Shakespeare

Cry

Something eerily poetic about the topic of my 500th post. The melancholy and isolation that inspired BHE six years ago is still with me today. I feel like I haven't really changed that much, but in that six years I managed to get a job, briefly dabble in a relationship, start grad school, as well as hone my photography and prose.

Of course in the same span, I've managed to kill said relationship a dozen times, forgo my zeal for a healthier lifestyle, and grow frighteningly more comfortable in my solitude and despair.

I feel like I'm no further along in my frustrating journey towards self-acceptance and my most recent swan dive into depression as a result of a completely predictable set of circumstances is a testament to that very fact.

Even the Heavens Are Weeping in Solidarity

There's only so much family and culture a man can endure.

Breaker-Breaker

I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

-The Office

Head Games

I've plunged again into the darkest depths of insanity. Anxiety and depression seep from my every pore, physically manifesting in unpleasant and inconvenient deficits. In a manner of speaking it is all just in my head. But somehow that is of small comfort to me. And just when I feel like I've turned a corner, I awake from my wishful slumber and struggle to confront my most distasteful traits.

Learned Helplessness

I feel more lost than ever before. With the aid of my omnipresent LCD companions, I manage to find even newer means of dissociation, all the while ignoring my very own sermons about the pitfalls of its menacing grip. I've never felt like such a hypocrite. I struggle to maintain my tenuous hold on reality, as I desperately flee from the distasteful clutches of self-imposed anxiety. Momentary distractions allow me all too brief an escape from my betraying brain. I ache to be functional, but I succumb to the inescapable allure of denial and avoidance that haunt me even in my dreams.

Night Time

I am and have for most of my life been a creature of the night. As I find myself listening to the reverberating tones of The XX, I think about the emotional depth of that nocturnal connection.

I guess it's always held some mystique for me. When I was a child I envied the freedom the night afforded the adults who went to "dancing." I always imagined what heavenly place this "dancing" might be, this lair to which our parents fled and from which all the children were forbidden. Only as an English speaking adolescent did I realize that "dancing" was not a "where," but a "what."

I've struggled with longing far longer than I care to remember. I recall hanging out on the steps of my boyhood home staring out into the summer night's brilliant sky. Sitting with my boyhood mates talking about boyhood things, all the while consuming the dotted sky with a strange yearning to which I could not lend a voice. A yearning to belong and not be alone, a yearning all the more ironic as I actually did "fit in" then.

I guess night has always represented freedom to me. The normal folks are at home and in bed, but we kindred spirits rule the night. Be it dancing, cruising PCH, or even poring through mounds of scientific text. Can't overlook those unforgettable late night early morning cafeteria study sessions in LA and Wisconsin.

Something refreshingly sedating about the night. It's like borrowed time, like I'm cheating sleep. It's sanctioned dissociation from reality and a respite from all its responsibilities and pitfalls. It's like a giant pause button allowing me a break from anxiety. That insomniac high, that rush of feel good chemicals that elicit laughter even from the least deserving of topics. That freedom to be goofy and brutally honest as the tale of loves lost adorn a cafeteria chalkboard.

To quote Mr. Charles, "The night time is the right time." But it's more than that. It's my time. It's the time when it's ok to be unavailable. Ok to be narcissistic and childlike, because no one is awake to care. The banks are closed, the traffic is light, the food is fried, and TV is mind numbingly inane. All as consistent and predictable as the night itself. No surprises, no need to adjust the set, no need to be on guard.

In a word, free.

Slug

Nobody would ever help a slug with food like they do with ducks and monkeys. A slug's life is pretty bad. The only time they come out of their den is when it's raining. So even their days out are depressing.

-Karl Pilkington

Possibilities

I never thought it possible to further isolate. Yet here I am sitting in my steel cage thumbing away at my digital escape and mourning the loss of @MayorEmanuel.

It's The Time Of The Season

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?'

-Laura Kightlinger

I'm Not An Addict

Addicts Lie.

-House

Disappointment

There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

-House

Revenge

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

-Confucius

Guess I've got some digging to do...

Curly Hairs

Causal determinism: we are hard-wired to find answers. A caveman who heard a rustle in the bushes and checked to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The problem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.

-House

If Only

I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, then I move on.

-M.A.S.H

Story of My Life

You cannot outsmart crazy.

-The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Tango

It most certainly does take two to tango, and I for one am sick of dancing.

Change Blindness

Tell me a lie, anything you like.

I hate you.

-Lie To Me

Trivial Pursuit

I have an almost insatiable thirst for all manner of knowledge, trivial or otherwise. But this ambitious pursuit does not stem from some divine quest in search of transcendent enrichment. Rather, my behavior is solely motivated by self preservation. The more I know, the more I can prepare. The better prepared I am, the lower the chance I'll fall flat and suffer an ego blow. And honestly as far as blows go, that's the worst.

Till Next Time V.

Can't wait till June.

Duh

-Apparently you haven't noticed but she has a serious mental illness.

-It's too hard.

-It's always hard.

-House

Driving

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, lover boy to you I belong
But maybe one day you'll wake
And you'll find me gone

But lover boy if you call me home
I'll come driving, I'll come driving
Fast as wheels can turn

Oh, lover boy I know you too well
And all of my lonely secrets
To you I tell

The highest of highs, the lowest of lows
I'll come driving, I'll come driving
Fast as wheels can turn
Fast as wheels can turn

Stretching away as far as my eyes can see
Deserts and darkness, my hand on the wheel
Lover boy, please call me home
A girl can get lonely out here on the road

A girl can get lonely out here on the road

You see some days I find the old ways
Frighten me too easily, I leave my key and say
I'm too young

But lover boy if you call me home
Lover boy if you call me home
Lover boy if you call me home
I'll come driving, I'll come driving
Fast as wheels can turn

Fast as wheels can turn
Fast as wheels can turn
Fast as wheels can
Fast as wheels
I'll come driving...

-Everything But The Girl (B. Watt)

DC, I Hardly Knew Thee

I miss you already!

Ego

...nothing ages as poorly as a beautiful woman's ego.

-Paulina Porizkova

Sadness, failure, and despair course through my veins.

Cruelty is the Mother of Invention

You seem like a good guy you're sweet, weird in an interesting way. I like looking at you. What's wrong with you?

-Rubicon

Hypervigilance Has It's Fleeting Benefits

-My kids don't live with me.

-Since when?

-Since talking about it won't make my brain hurt.

-Rubicon

Time To Tear Down My Very Own Monkey House

When you live in the monkey house, you don't realize it stinks.

-Tim Gunn on The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart

Finding Your Way Out Is Half The Fun

This is not what I'd consider "a good week."

I Left My Heart In San Francisco

A Lovely Visit

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry

Amazing what happens when I follow my own advice.

No Escape

I'm surrounded by the reflection of my many failures.

Thank You For Smoking

I didn’t think it possible, yet I grow even more bitter with each passing day. But unlike the ephemeral gustatory sensation, this unwelcome experience knows no bounds. There is no maximum ceiling , or an emergency kill switch to stem the sensory overload - just more unyielding sentimental bitterness of the highest intensity. In a blink of an eye, I've catapulted from an overgrown carefree adolescent to an irritable 36-year-old curmudgeon.

Lugubrious

lu·gu·bri·ous
   
–adjective

Mournful, dismal, or gloomy, esp. in an affected, exaggerated, or unrelieved manner: lugubrious songs of lost love.

Vegas Baby!

Tune in next week for another episode of "Left My Soul In Vegas."

Equally Valid

My new favorite restaurant sucks!

It's not been a blockbuster year for me, financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.

-The Office

Pain

I'm in pain, every day. It changed me, made me a harder person, a worse person, and now, now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me.

-House

Alt.

-Don't you ever get tired of your own cynicism?
-Oh weary as hell. What's the alternative?

-The Mentalist

Something Wicked This Way Comes

So it finally dawned on me it's not that I'm uncomfortable out in public, it's that I'm uncomfortable out ALONE in public. Just by the virtue of being associated with someone, anyone, I gain acceptance and validation from the oh so, shuddersome public.

Cowardice Is Labeling What You Don't Want To Change As Innate.

-So I do something really stupid and you reward me. Read any parenting manual. It's not helping me. That's helping you.

-It's easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat.
-Says someone who's obviously never been on a diet.
-Oh, my life's a breeze!
-You're successful, smart, and you attract everything that moves. If you wanna focus on the fact that you're not gonna see 50, that's your choice.
-You know what, I agree with you. My self pity is optional. What about yours?

-Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours.

-You won't even consider it?
-I did, just very quickly.

-I just want us to be friends.
-Funny, that's the last thing I want us to be.

-House

Are You Experienced?

At the end of the day you have to be able to remove yourself from totally criticizing every experience or you never get to enjoy an experience.

-Mario Batali

Birthday

Why would you celebrate the slowly tightening grip of death?

-The Colbert Report

The Warped Creation Of A Syphilitic Brain

I love the thrill of the chase. No 'love' can match the magnitude of of that euphoric single moment, that one unforgettable instant just before the offer of my soul is reciprocated by the object of my affection. The ecstasy of that moment, the nervous energy, the second guessing and fear, the intoxicating allure of acceptance, the fill it to the brim, trip the light fantastic, joy.

Suffer Well

-How do you put up with him all these years?
-We suffer well together.

-Justified

Deal Or No Deal

Name one thing in this world that is not negotiable.

-Breaking Bad

The Illusive Fifth Base

I'm engaged in a battle only I know I'm fighting.

I'm chasing oh so many things, yet I don't move a muscle.

I want change, but an addiction to the status quo is a mighty force and I dare guess, a far tougher habit to break than meth.

A better exercise in futility I can't recall.

At the end of the day, I just yearn to be held wrapped up in the pillowy embrace of acceptance, free from worry or shame, accepted and validated, confident and purposeful, living in blissful equilibrium, in a word, content.

That's Just How We Roll Yo'

There is no greater incentive for a human male than a damsel in distress.

-V

Pick A Side, We're At War!

The list of people Obama’s considering reads like the lineup at a lesbian lentil-muffin co-op open-mike poetry-slam.

Take US Court of Appeals Judge Diane P. Wood. According to Wikipedia, she plays both the oboe AND the English horn. Make up your mind, madam! Supreme Court justices need to be decisive, like Justice Scalia. He only plays one instrument, the Clarence Thomas.

-The Colbert Report

Insert Title Here

I'm going to write more, be it my words or others'. As in the past, I'll discretely credit the string of words to their original composers, faceless or otherwise.

"...trust has to be earned, and there are very few people he truly trusts...intellect is a shield which protects him from his emotions, and at the moment his shield is under repair...in many ways is damned by his profound knowledge of others, which is why he shares so little of himself."

- Criminal Minds

My Sweetest Perfection

-Weren't they beautiful enough for you?

-Well, why settle for beautiful when you can have perfect?

-Law & Order: Criminal Intent

A Confusing Bouquet of Emotions

When a woman tells a man about her feelings, she doesn't want him to fix her. She wants him to shut up and listen.

-Criminal Minds

Seething Mass of Loathing

WTF is wrong with me?

Bright Sunshiny Day

Beautiful morning isn't it? Shame you have to work, huh?...Yeah... anyway, I'd like a large sausage and pepperoni.

-Modern Family

Curse

-Sometimes you have an awful way of being right.

-It's the curse of having a distrustful nature.

-Law & Order

Everything She Wants

She's either evil or she's two years old. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

-Law & Order

Promises, Promises...

I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.

-The Office

Theft

She stole my idea before I'd thought of it?

-Stephen Colbert

My Not So Subtle Spiraling Descent Into Madness

Oh! Why do my actions have consequences?

-Homer Simpson

Bare Necesseties

You'd be surprised what you can live without.

-House

Disdain

My cup runneth over with disdain!

Respect

I respect you too much to respect your ridiculous beliefs.

-Johann Hari

Who Is Your Worm Guy?

I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke.

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy. But...

-The Office

Wisely Choose Your Path

I'm gonna choose not to misinterpret that.

-Dexter

Haunted

One need not be a chamber to be haunted, one need not to be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.

-Emily Dickinson

Cheerful Desolation

'Is that all you've got old man?' as you shake your fist at God.

-Stephen Colbert

Isolation Fosters Depression

Lately the closest to happiness I get is when I'm coughing so hard that I lose a few breaths. My dissociative oxygen deprived brain welcomes the soothing touch of pins and needles. And as I come closer to losing consciousness I feel eerily free. Free from the burdens of civil society. From the desperate clutches of comity and free from the reflexive song and dance. Such freedom in my life is rare indeed.

For far too fleeting a moment, my life hangs in the balance, between reality and fantasy, misery and bliss. Just for a second or two, but who really knows. Hypoxia does tend to hinder one's perception of time.

Paradox Personified

She wants to hold on to her secret and I'm going to respect that. It seems only fair given the secrets I keep from her. We all have secrets. In that way, I'm just like everyone else-- sorta.

All my previous attempts at human connection have ended in… well death.

-Dexter

More Palatable Indeed!

Family man, husband, and father. Sounds so...upstanding, harmless...Much better than 'lives alone, keeps to himself'.


To be a brother, to have a friend, to have a wife, a family...But if you play a role long enough, really commit, does it ever become real? Could I become real?

My life has always felt like... an unanswered question. A string of days and nights waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what...Rita, we're connected. Wherever I am, I feel you and the kids, with me. You're what makes me real. I want us to always go out for banana splits, and replant the lemon tree that keeps dying, and I never ever wanna miss a pizza night, and that's how I know I want to marry you, because something as simple as pizza night is the highlight of my week.

Most actors toil in obscurity never stepping into the spotlight. But if you hone your craft, work diligently, you might just find yourself cast in the role of a lifetime.

-Dexter

Good Dog

"So, I'm happily divorced...

She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio.

And I did ...

and I'll tell you why.

When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point where you're having a lot of sex in the relationship. So you sign the papers saying 'I'll only have sex with you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, fucking ever.' Well if that person, for whatever reason, stops having sex altogether... why you find yourself in quite a pickle!

I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as a real dog.

I'll tell you what happened, too. I was in Columbus, Ohio. I hadn't been laid in three months. Three months. You can't go three months without having sex with me or I'll go find someone else. I know cause I've seen me do it."

-Ron White

Who Am I to Judge?

I'm just saying if you don't thin the herd then the poor people are going to overgraze.

Thank goodness my community is already organized, by a big gate!

-The Colbert Report

Poetry In Motion

The right words, in the right order, read by the right man. They move your soul.

-Law and Order: Criminal Intent

Sacrifice

The perfect amount of sacrifice is someone else's.

-The Colbert Report

Rock Me Like A Hurricane

It must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from THAT tree!

-Frasier

The Most Coveted Demographic...

Perhaps my ouster from membership is to blame for this.

Technically It Was the Condom that Was Cheating

My current lifestyle is unsustainable.

Risk Averse To A Fault

"In regione caecorum rex est luscus."

"In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king."

- Erasmus

Cupid's Sparrow

-She could be your soul mate.

-Oh, not likely. Three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.

-The Office

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

-I'm not suggesting that like our patient you’re hiding a dark sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness.

-I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to YOU.

-Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice. No, I'm suggesting that you have no core. You're what whoever you’re with needs you to be. OK, I guess that could be insulting. The interesting question is why? Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it?

-House

Look at the Stars, Look How They Shine for You

No beam sheds so bright a light on my negativity as that which accompanies my realization of just how eternally dismissive I can be.

If You Build It, He Will Come

The cemeteries of the world are full of indispensable men.

-Charles de Gaulle

Blind Faith

Saturday Night Fever

So here I am again, yet another in the ceaseless lonely Saturday nights. Alone, drunk, and watching a cartoon. I feel like I'm at a crucial turning point in my life. I wish I could just say fuck it and move on, muddle through as it were. But alas that seems a dream out of my grasp. Am I destined to be alone for all my existence? Must I seek refuge in the arms of intoxication for the rest of my life?

So fucking anal! I can't even get these thoughts down without hitting the fucking backspace key every few strokes! It’s not like I can’t go back and edit later, but somehow I can't escape the compulsion of the backspace key. I wish life had a backspace key. But then again would I do something constructive with it? Or would I just continue the same non productive patterns of behavior? Why can't I just be normal? Yeah there is no "normal," but damn it for just once in my fucking useless existence I wish to be "normal,” Normal! There goes that damn backspace key!

Yeah I’m drunk, so my typing skills leave a lot to be desired. But come on! Muddle through. Forget the backspace key just for one fucking second!!!!!!!!!! You can edit later. The devil’s in the details, it's almost reflexive. Light headed escape from reality, sure I gave up one addiction, but now I've found another to supplement the one I've had all my life, the comfort, the satiety that provides me an all too ephemeral respite from the self induced torture. Why do I write? Why? That damn backspace key again, a compulsion I just can't fucking shake!

At least in a dream world I'm happy and content. MLP's character gets me, but even then I'm not satisfied. I'm still anxious and looking for answers. I can't even enjoy myself in a good dream, even when that's the best I've felt in a long time. Even in blissful enjoyment I can't be truly content. Even in the realm of fantasy I'm anxious. How long can I go on battling my personal demons? Boy that question mark is in an inopportune place. Who designed this QWERTY keyboard anyway? Something about not making the manual keyboard jam. Yes I'm drunk, but at least in this state of stupor I can sort of escape the grim realties of my fucked up life. I wish I could end it, I really do. But I know from experience I don't have the balls for that.

I've never had the balls, that's basically the problem isn’t it? Never having “the balls?” When the push came to shove, I just didn't have the balls to do it. I've taken some risks in my life to be sure. REM, now that took some balls, asking out the super cute blonde dream girl. What the fuck was I thinking? Now she's married, with two gorgeous kids, and I'm alone, again on a Saturday night. Alone, drunk, and watching Superman.

Jesus! I'm 35 fucking years old! 35, when am I going to grow up? When am I going to let go of the unattainable fantasies? When am I going to burry the skeletons in the closet and stop feeling sorry for myself? If only I could cry and sleep the sleep of the righteous. If only I could "just do it!" Ok that's enough now. Time to spell check...

If I could, I’d just lay in bed.

I am avoiding unpleasant tasks, no matter how effortless. Not uncomfortable or physically taxing or mentally painful, no just unpleasant. Even if it’s slightly unpleasant, I’m unwilling to oblige. Like paying a parking ticket, the one I haven’t forgotten about, the one that keeps costing me more money with each passing day, the one below the computer screen at which I’m currently staring, you know the one tucked inside the small white envelope with the red writing on it, THAT ONE! But it’s not just that, more compelling is the ten page paper and the ONE page cover letter yet to be written. It’s the prospect of the four page paper with the ridiculously forgiving and permissive guideline. It’s the gut wrenchingly difficult decision to not reach for the Bic. Now that’s just the easy stuff. The science experiments simmering in the bathroom, kitchen, all around the talking picture box and the twin bed, those take some effort. Not much effort, just relatively long effort. And then the “debt and weight” mountains I fail to climb. Not to mention my constant thirst for validation…

To Socialize and Inform

I learned a while back, that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because, they think that something horrible, has happened.

I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.

Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Please hug and kiss me no matter how hard I struggle. I am too shy to tell you that I love you.

Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash that would be amazing.

-The Office

Crumbs

Fuck, I don't think I have enough bread crumbs to get home!

-Lewis Black

Parrot

I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.

-Star Trek

Just Desserts

-People get what they get! It has nothing to do with what they deserve.

-I gotta do what’s right for me, you’ve gotta do what’s right for you.
-Yeah, but it comes easier for me

-Mind if I come in?
-Not at all. You mind if I leave?

-Actually you should read the psych literature. Repression is gaining a lot of fans. What you don’t face can’t crush you.

-House

Efficiency

Amy: Hello stranger.

Josh: Thought I saw you.

Amy: There was a crowd, didn't want to hover.

Josh: You could've rescued me.

Amy: I decided a few years back that was not an efficient use of my time.

-The West Wing

I Almost Died

Is that my long dormant conscience talking, or the dark passenger whispering?

-Dexter

Relax, Take It Easy

Took a ride to the end of the line
Where no one ever goes
Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know

But the pain and the longing's the same
Where the dying
Now I'm lost and I'm screaming for help

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you

It's as if I'm scared
It's as if I'm terrified
It's as if I scared
It's as if I'm playing with fire

Scared
It's as if I'm terrified
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?
Relax

There is an answer to the darkest times
It's clear we don't understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you
I believe that we're in this together
Don't scream, there are so many roads left

-Mika

La-La La-La-La-La

A bunch of blue shirtless men surrounded by mushrooms, the blond girl that nobody touches. . . That’s not a show, that’s a gay pride parade!

-The Colbert Report

She's In Parties

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own...

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand

-Coldplay (Berryman/Buckland/Champion/Martin)

Blindsided

I'm yet again baffled by melancholy's inevitable and unanticipated return.

Youthful Folly, Jubilance, And High Jinks

-Self-pity isn't like you.

-No, well branching out from self-loathing to self destruction.

-House

Everybody Has Their Breaking Point

No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.

-Christian Nestell Bovee

Apologies

It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.

-The Office

Hope Is For Sissies

-We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated and it's a long way down.

-So you're afraid of change?

-No, you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine that you can escape instead of actually try, because if you fail, then you got nothing. Then you'll give up the chance of something real so that you can hold on to hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies.

-House

Let's All Chant

You can change lanes to get away from Hindus and Buddhists. Because frankly, I don’t want to drive behind someone who believes in reincarnation or is trying to achieve nothingness.

-The Colbert Report

Where Am I Wrong?

I wish the best for them, and their tragically deformed children.

-House

I Got Soul

-'Cause you looked in his eyes, saw his soul, and confronted him in a moment of human honesty?

-The West Wing

Haircut

Getting my hair cut by a marginally cute stylist may be as close to affection as I 'm ever gonna get.

Fearless Leader

-He walks among us, but he is not one of us...

-That's what they say. It's not what they mean.

-Lost

Stop, Collaborate And Listen

I know logically I need to do what I need to do, but often I just want to tell my brain to screw it and… In my delusional violet skied world, I conjure up a gazillion blissful what if scenarios, but then I catch myself and return to “reality,” rather to willful blindness about that which continually gnaws at my soul.

Trauma Can Distort The Memory

I can always see other people's problems more clearly than my own.

-Dexter

Just Another Sad Love Song

A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.

-John Steinbeck

My Cross To Bear

Why can't I just live in blissful ignorance?

The Nightmare Scenario

What if IT isn't the reason?

Sending Out An S.O.S

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me... unless you throw a dictionary at me!

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

Running On Empty

-I'm empty. But I found a way to make it feel less... bottomless.

-How?

-Pretend.

-Dexter

Buyer's Remorse

Today as I snacked a "person of interest" lamented: "awwwww, I wish I liked crappy food."

Here's Your Sign

OK after countless pages detailing how "he's not that into you," how about:

Top Ten Signs That He "Totally" Is Into You

10. He's not gay.
9. Doesn't have a girlfriend.
8. Talks to you more than 30 hours a week.
7. Sees you even more often than that.
6. Never misses an opportunity to tell you how cute you are.
5. Is a "good listener."
4. Doesn't talk to the "fresh meat" at the party.
3. Is enthusiastic about going shopping with you.
2. Makes you a suggestive mix cd.

And the number one sign that he's totally into you...

1. He tells you.

You Can't Handle the Truth!

There are no secrets in life, only hidden truths that lie beneath the surface.

-Dexter

Simply Irresistible

I have this genius of a friend who occasionally sums up my entire existence in one pithy phrase. Here's one I will take to my grave:

"You never could resist a girl in distress."

Decision Tree

Days to decide OR days to decipher?

This Message Will Self-distruct In...

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Not Quite Impressive Enough...

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,

'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.

Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love…
It's me love that you're running from.

- Bob Marley

We're Movin' On Up

24

Would it surprise you to learn I had thought about you today?

Novelty

The direct approach, who'd've thunk it?

Missed It By That Much!

What is it you wish I would say to you?

-Carl Rogers

World In My Eyes

Let me take you on a trip
Around the world and back
And you won't have to move
You just sit still

Now let your mind do the walking
And let my body do the talking
Let me show you the world in my eyes

I'll take you to the highest mountain
To the depths of the deepest sea
We won't need a map, believe me

Now let my body do the moving
And let my hands do the soothing
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can feel now
That's all there is

Let me put you on a ship
On a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips
All the islands in the ocean
All the heaven's in the motion
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can touch now
That's all there is

Let me show you the world in my eyes

-Depeche Mode (Martin L. Gore)

Maybe I Should Take Out An Ad

I Was TOLD This Is A Roast!

If Only

If I had a heart, it would be breaking right now.

-Dexter

I Have "This Friend"... um and...

Heed Our Better Angels

-What does a yellow light mean?

-Slow down.

-What.....does.....a. ....yellow.....light..... mean?

-Slow down!

-WWWhatttt......dddoe ssss....aaa....yyyellloww w...lllighttt...mmmeannn?

-Taxi

Because A Deaf God Ignores Our Pleas

Ok... Now What?

I'm Sure There's a Perfectly Innocuous Reason...

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

KITT: It is widely documented that verbally expressing the root of an emotion can help provide peace of mind. Is that research mistaken?

Sarah: No, it's not.


KITT: That seemed quite irrational.

Mike: You clearly don't know much about women.

-Knight Rider

Bitter, Party of One...?

Exorcising Demons

There comes a time in any boy's life, when he must summon the will to face his greatest fear. Only then can he untether himself from the clutches of anxiety and become a man.

Chchchchanges

People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."

-House

The Sleep of the Just

It might be time to start questioning my sanity when I start quoting Colbert reciting "scripture."

The Hand of God

George: Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand...

George: How do I get the hand?

Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

-Seinfeld

Gravity

Duncan: Hey can I ask you guys a question? Do you think I'm predictable?

Brody: Completely.

James: Totally.

Brody: Even the question was predictable.

-Big Shots

Everywhere Like Such As

Harry boy, I've told you time and again, a man who tells the truth is bound to be found out sooner or later. Try sincerity, that's a virtue. But truth, it's an affliction!

-The Tailor of Panama

Well Tolerated, but not for Everyone

Who knew I had so much in common with Aricept^®?

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

Circle Gets The Square

I feel like there's a chance for me to start over and if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do, then what am I doing?

-The Office

I Want It All

Most people want the same things. Sugar... Salt... Attention.

-Dirty Sexy Money

Insane in the Membrane

Sometimes, for an artist, the only difference between insanity and genius is success.

-Criminal Minds

Take A Bow Conan O'Brien

Guess what I found in Janelle's closet?

What, evidence of the man you used to be?

-Big Shots

This stuff doesn't write itself. We can't wait to get you back WGA.

Tastes Like Chicken

The requisite remedy is seldom palatable.

Dying’s easy. Living’s hard.

You got three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You’ve gone for column D; why? The simple answer is: if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Are you really that simple?

-House

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

A Sunday like this almost makes me wish I had a life.

Milk

I am milk
I am red hot kitchen
And I am cool
Cool as the deep blue ocean

I am lost
So I am cruel
But I'd be love and sweetness
If I had you

I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you

I am weak
But I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home

-Garbage

Smoking or Non?

I was fifteen years old, I remember because I wasn't old enough to drive. I had finally managed to go out with my crush. This adorable California blond, with crystal blue eyes, little turned up nose, and the most precious freckles dotting her sun kissed face, was out on a date with me. Never mind the fact that she was not home when I got there, never mind the fact that she showed up with a couple of friends and it was obvious she had forgotten our "date" and never mind the fact that the four of us crammed into my friend's tiny car to go to lunch. I was actually on a date with perfection.

And then the host asks "smoking or non?" I stood there bewildered as this paragon of beauty and all that was right with the world contemplated her answer. How could she? I felt so betrayed. The girl of my dreams didn't smoke, the girl of my dreams was perfect. How could I be obsessed with a girl who smoked? With one question my divine illusion had been shattered.

It's amazing the extent to which such illusions are self serving. It was as if she, the object of my affection, existed solely to give meaning to my life. A perfect little Barbie doll, whose tacit approval of my advance made my life complete. Yet if she was anything but perfect, what the hell did that make me?

Sending You Forget Me Nots, to Help You to Remember

Looking for some education
Made my way into the night
All that bullshit conversation
Baby can't you read the signs?

I won't bore you with the detail baby
I don't even wannna waste your time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
Some fastlove is all that I've got on my mind..

Looking for some affirmation
Made my way into the sun
My friends got their ladies
They're all having babies
I just wanna have some fun

I won't bore you with the detail baby
You gotta get there in your own sweet time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
Some fastlove is all that I've got on my mind
Get yourself arrested for love

So close
I can taste it now baby
So close

In the absence of security
Made my way into the night
Stupid Cupid keeps on calling me
But I see nothing in his eyes
I miss my baby, oh yeah
I miss my baby tonight
So why don't we make a little room
In my BMW babe
Searchin' for some peace of mind
Hey, I'll help you find it
I do believe that we are practicing the same religion

Oh you really oughta get up now
That's right
Oh you really oughta get up...

Oh yeah....

-George Michael

Not That I'm Complaining...

I love Halloween because women use it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes. You ladies totally do.

'I'm a witch'

...if she was a hooker!

-Jim Gaffigan

Yo, Mike Tirico!

I'd die happy now if you'd just shut the fuck up! Never imagined in a million years I'd be missing Al Michaels on a Monday night!

Game Time!

I mean who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

-The Office

Value

I am the sole owner of my feelings.

The Same Thing We Do Every Night Pinky

Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. That’s why they’re religious people.

-House

Words Indeed

Homer: Oh man that church service was sooooo boring! I did a whole book of find-a-word.

Lisa: Ugh, dad all you circled were the I's and A's!

Homer: Those are words.

-The Simpsons

Twilight Zone

It’s a lot like touching a hot stove. The next time you touch a hot stove it doesn’t burn you.

-Stephen Colbert

No Soup For You!

It's another one of those gloomy autumn days, well by SoCal standards anyway, a bit brisk and cloudy, depressing the living daylights out of me. Even surrounded by my co-workers I feel completely isolated. I can't decipher exactly how these days shine a spotlight on my loneliness, but I feel utterly abandoned. I'm sure the impending weekend doesn't help matters much, not to mention the latest conversation aborted by the five o'clock curfew. It's a kind of day that makes me crave a comforting soup, one I sip curled up under a blanket and in the soothing embrace of my beloved.

Praise the Lord!

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Creed: I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

-The Office

It Wasn't the Outcome We Had Hoped for

And as a man, you don't really gotta talk. You gotta just act like you're talking.

“Get out of here. Go on! I don't believe it...

“You don't say! Really? Get out of here...

“Go on. I don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here...

“I told you that bitch crazy!”

You gotta throw in, “I told you that bitch crazy”, you know why? 'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand.

Women, y'all exaggerate everything. You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like:
“She's trying to destroy me!''

What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's! What's she doing, ripping up your paper?

-Chris Rock

Six Cars and a Motorcycle

As I sit in front my flat screen and the reach for yet another paper wrapped Mexican treat, I can't help but be reminded of that decree. One for each day of the week, I'd say. Now I didn't literally think that would happen, but it never dawned on me that I'd spend my Sundays alone watching men with lives play a game while I reach for my next paper wrapped taco.

Rejection

I can't summon the recall of the last time I rejected.

On Second Thought...

Throughout my life I've resided in many a fantasy world. My current extra terrestrial home is one in which she pines for me as often and as intensely as I for her. One where the daily Solomonic decision to return "home" is a chore of Herculean proportions. But soon this journey, too, shall predictably come to a screeching, gut-wrenching, and jarring halt.

Sunny

On the bright side, one day I shall cease to exist.

To Have and to Hold

After a time, you may find that 'having' is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as 'wanting.' It is not logical, but it is often true.

- Star Trek

Fatigue

It's ok Homie, you're probably just tired from not doing anything all day.

-The Simpsons

Top Ten

Top 10 things overheard in my brain:

10. Great, how much longer is THIS going to take?
9. Can I still wear this?
8. TeVo rules!
7. I should clean up and take out the trash, ...
6. Stewart/Colbert/Olbermann
5. Subway or Carl's?
4. Ooh, cleavage!
3. I got game!
2. No, I don't.

And the number one thing overheard in my brain...

1. Again with this shit?

Today Was a Good Day

Not!

I am not suicidal, I just wish I was never born. There's a difference.

-Monk

Defective

Mine tis a bitter soul.

Love Rollercoaster

Ok, so I'm not completely bummed or depressed at this exact moment, most likely because I'm researching my upcoming road trip. These soul searching trips of mine are definitely a mixed bag. I'm excited about going, but I'm again made painfully aware of my 'single' status. To top it off my future safety wife just got married. It's not like I was really holding my breath waiting for our mutual "if neither one of us is married in 'X' years" pact, but she just became another married friend I won't be hearing from as often as I used to. So even though I'm not completely bummed out, I do feel strange. I'm filled with this nervous energy like there's a loud and brilliant thunderstorm outside. One whose destructive power is eerily mesmerizing and I'm compelled to just stand and watch.

One Michele a Lifetime Is Enough

Higgins begins suggestively:

- An old friend?

- No, I just met her today replies a resigned if not befuddled Magnum. Higgins... I woke up this morning sensing a woman was going to dramatically affect my life and then I met Dianne.

-A properly stern Higgins quips back, forgive me Magnum but you're always meeting women who seem to dramatically affect your life. You apparently hold some attraction for them that I can’t quite fathom other than the obvious primitive, animalistic...

It’s a terribly old cliché, but it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

- No, it’s not.

- Magnum, P.I.

Either Way

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won’t be so afraid
I will understand everything has its plan
Either way

-Wilco (J. Tweedy)

Less Than Zero

A Youthful Indiscretion

I keep thinking as if the solution to my woes can be magically thought out. I continue to think because it's all I know. I haven't really changed from when I was a helpless six year old with a one word English vocabulary, waiting to get picked up by my tardy family. If someone asks you what you want to drink with your lunch, you say 'milk', they had thoughtfully taught me. And so I did. I answered milk to every question posed to me.

-Where do you live?
-Milk
-Is someone picking you up?
-Milk

My responses then made no more sense than do my present thoughts, but this is the only response I know. My state of mind demands a response so I keep thinking despite the obvious futility.

The Exception That Proves the Rule

Has the whole world gone insane or is it just I?

On ESPN tonight they were broadcasting the "Rock Paper Scissors" championships and the commentator was explaining how this really was a "sport" and replete with strategy, not just a game of random chance.

Then there was this guy who was well on his way to fulfilling his lifetime dream of surfing everyday for like 25 years. I don't think I've ever done anything everyday for 20+ years, other than pissing I guess.

Wicked!

Now, I may not be perfect, sir, but my soul is not wicked!

-NYPD Blue

The Roof, the Roof, the Roof Is on Fire!

You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, the curtains are gone and the water's boiling. Which problem do you deal with first? ...None of them! The building's on fire!

-House

What's the Alternative?

Cute Depreciates Quickly

An Occasion I Do not Wish to Celebrate

I Miss My Muse

Everything sucks, might as well find something to smile about.

-House

Gereyt Success!

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

-Attributed to Thomas Edison by Many

Et tu Brute?

I try to keep this blog devoid of blatant politics, but every once in a while you gotta give props when props are due. So Keith, Mr. Olbermann, it is with my heartfelt gratitude to you that I shall break with my convention and laud your diligence in speaking truth to power.

Who among us will stop this war—this War of Lies?
To he or she, fall the figurative keys to the nation.
To all the others—presidents and majority leaders and candidates and rank-and-file Congressmen and Senators of either party—there is only blame… for this shameful, and bi-partisan, betrayal.


Excerpted from Mr. Keith Olbermann's "Special Comment" on the subject of Iraq War Funding

My First Rule Is No Rules!

Who is the highway partrol to tell me what is and is not a lane!

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

Motivate

He who has a strong enough why can bear almost any how.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

May God Guide You in Your Quest

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

-The Office

Easy as Sunday Morning

It'd be so easy. Two hour drive, $50 worth of white horse pills, and a six pack of pudding snacks. Throw in some alcohol and a cellophane bag for insurance. Sounds easy enough, but some of us know better.

Pre-emptive Strike

Well, duh! How did you expect to feel?

It's a Shame the Question Has to Be Asked

Perilously teetering on the precipice of insanity has its advantages.

Nobody Drowned ON the Titanic

Gratuity Not Included

You know it's gratuitous when the gratuitous car washing scene is missing the car!

-The Soup's Joel McHale

Toxic

How much longer can I survive such close proximity to all things toxic?

Living In America

Alright, alright. Well you know... we each have our right to be wrong, that's America!

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

A Peculiar Test of a Man's Affection

Just Take Care of the Suit

My living quarters don't exactly inspire confidence.

Dare I Eat a Peach?

Sam: Used to be a semi-private bottom

Dalton: The army of dullness has recruited another soul.

Frasier: Does the woman every say no?
Carla: Only to you!

If John Mellencamp Ever Wins an Oscar...

It takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you... I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong, and I ain't that brave.

I saved a life, my own. Am I a hero? ... I really can't say, but yes.

-The Office

Step Off George!

I'm a love junkie, you gotta up the dose.

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

Well, Who's Laughing Now?

It's time to put humpty dumpty back together again.

If this is hell, I'm not THAT unhappy.

-Cheers

Choice II

I do know that... eh sometimes what looks like a choice, it's not really a choice at all.

-Raines

Is It Just Me...

or has it always been an existensial pack of lies?

Space, the Final Frontier

Together

In this life or next, we will be together.

-Lost

Thank the Lord, for Small Mercies

Well I'll be damned, that was actually far less painful than I'd anticipated.

Perspective

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly miss her more...

Whispers of our Muses

Started out as a small joke and turned into an enormous one.

Run... run like the wind!

She dropped you like a bad habit, sorry I didn't bring THAT up!

Lovely to see you, when will you be leaving.

-Cheers

Coy

Baldwin: You look nice today!

Valerie: Just today?

-NYPD Blue

Schadenfreude

"We were only 2 numbers away!"

That's what a well meaning co-worker uttered after the office pool did not win, again. I had to smile, my arrogant, disdainful "I'm glad I didn't put my money in the pot" smile.

I wasn't happy that they didn't win; I was glad that I hadn't lost my five bucks. Of course logic would dictate that had they won, I would have been none too pleased with my abstinence, so in essence I was rooting for them to lose.

I guess I kind of envy that misguided eternal hope, bordering on delusion. To have that much faith and optimism to decry being so close.

Maybe I'm just 2 numbers away too.

Hey, ... it's me

Put on the charm, he's got women issues.

-NYPD Blue

Not Quite Bliss

I wonder if she still "wants" me...

Grumpy

I don't know how much longer I can keep this ticking bomb from exploding.

No Se

That's just too many I don't know's.

-The Class

If only...

If only one could somehow capitalize on self-pity...

Separately, on an unrelated note...

Why are we going into the bathroom? I thought this was where you liked your privacy.

-The Office

Deja Vu

I've been here before, in fact this time around I've even nicely documented how I've been here before. Not exactly here, I guess, but close enough. Another Friday night alone and lonely, pitying myself. Contemplating idealized relationships, mine and others’ and about to succumb to intoxication and oblivion.

Just like those not so distant warm summer days. The same, only different. I sit behind a different desk, a bit heavier, obsess about a different girl, but I’m still the lost little boy desperately searching for his comfortable home well hidden amidst a cloud of melancholy and despair.

And I’m supposed to “take care of” people in the not too distant future. I, help others survive when my coping skills… But then again I’ve always been a better preacher than practitioner, editor than composer, a critic than…

It’s not even that I think I deserve better, I’m not THAT narcissistic. Not even that I want more. I wish for more, I dream for more, I yearn for and fantasize about more. Fantasy, fiction, make believe. The illusion of control the comfort and relief of infallibility and irresponsibility. Still a wayward child sifting through the fog.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Mistake

We all make mistakes...

Quick

Quick, don't think of an elephant.

214

I know I'm not the only one with 214 issues...

Greatness

The great ones play hurt.

What goes in after the coyote?

I think it's about time to resume interacting with the THREE-dimensional people.

Pleasant

I imagine it'd be nice to have someone to go home to.

Resolution

I guess I know what her New Year's resolution was.

Congratulations, universe. You win.

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer... merciless... insatiable...

There’s nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.

Not super crazy, just…just something about him that creeps me out, I can’t really explain it... I don’t understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

-I liked you better as the temp.
-Me too

It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that’s what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Better the devil you know, right?

Do you still have feelings for her?

Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.

I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me...

I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me... But remember, while today it is me…we all shall fall

[He]will be missed. Not by me so much... but he will be missed.

-Courtesy of The Office

Am I THAT delusional? In other words, "is it real or is it Memorex?"

Master Thespian

O'Reilly: I'm not a tough guy. This is all an act.

Colbert: If you're an act, then what am I?

-The Colbert Report

Break

Break-time is officially over!

The Hurting

- From "The Hurting" by Tears for Fears

Anti-Depressant

I often thought of myself as her anti-depressant. Little did I realize she was mine.

Anger Management

Not Funny Ha Ha ...

I guess the optimist was right, this time anyway.

Cheer Up!

An optimist and a pessimist are arguing and the pessimist says:

"Everything’s terrible. It can't get any worse!"

and the optimist replies, "oh yes it can!"

- paraphrased from The West Wing

Pout

I'm way too old to pout, but that never stopped me before.

Creep

Take time with a wounded hand
cause it likes to heal...

I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

-Stone Temple Pilots (R. DeLeo / S. Weiland)

Kaboom!

All this impotent rage has got to go somewhere. I just hope nobody gets "hurt".

Wishful Thinking

As much as I believe reality is overrated and as often as I seek refuge in the inviting arms of fantasy, there comes a point when even I have to face and accept the facts as they are, not as I wish them to be.

Flawless

As shockingly arrogant as it may be, I have to consistently remind myself that just like everyone else, I, too, am flawed and far from perfect.

I've Become So Numb

This is not a way to live, agonizing through anger, pain, and numbness. The barrage of unpleasant anniversaries currently thrust upon me further prolongs the suffering. I keep reminding myself that in 2 weeks all this Christmas cheer nonsense will be over, but I genuinely doubt a theriac exists for that which ails my soul.

Sickness

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell

- Harvey Danger

Constant Reassurance

...it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

- Carl Sagan

Sandals

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?

Jim: You just had a rebound ... which don't get me wrong can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over you're left thinking about the girl you really like... the one that broke your heart

-The Office

Blink 182

He who blinks last ...

What the Hell Am I Doing Here?

You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.'

The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.'

A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.

Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'

-The West Wing

Solstice

OK only 1 week till the winter solstice and only 2 weeks till the end of this forced gaiety crap!

Desperately Seeking Shag

Lacking confidence and starved for even the slightest suggestion of affection, I desparately seek approval from whomever I encounter.

Bah! Humbug!

Sometimes I think Ebenezer had the right idea.

An Inconvenient Truth

The era of procrastination, of half-measures of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.

— Winston Churchill

Path of Least Resistance

Moderate

Throw moderation to the winds, and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains.

- Democritus

Smile

When I try real hard, I can almost hear her smile.

Love, Is the Answer

Is it better to have loved and weathered the ravages of emotional limbo, than to not have loved at all?

Just Keep Writing

Josh: I met her twice, Toby.

Sam: Yeah, but, one of those times, she broke your heart. You know the way women can do. Where they take your heart and they throw it on the floor and then they stomp on it with their big high heals. She’s a very beautiful and interesting woman. I can see why a lot of guys would go for her... You know, there's nothing at all I'm saying now of any value. So, I think the thing to do is... I think I should just keep writing.

- The West Wing

Punch Drunk Love

Sam: Do you know what it feels like to be attracted to someone who makes you SICK!

Diane: I could write a book on the subject.

- Cheers

Radio

Life is cruel and then you die
Can't be bothered to try to survive
Time will stop the hours fly
I watch my life slipping by
They call it news it's not to me
The worlds a mess on my TV
I cannot speak I cannot feel
Everything is nothing to me

There's no music on my radio

There's nothing bright to light my day
No signs to read to show me the way
I can't escape I'm out of luck
A bad day I've had enough
No hope for sleep no hope it seems
For happiness and comfort dreams
Another day another wish
Don't want my life to be like this

There's no music on my radio
Turn the radio on

- Client

Bird in Hand

1-4-3

Funk Soul Brother

The permanent solution to my temporary problem seems awfully attractive right about now.

Lessons

In order to learn the important lessons in life, one must each day surmount a fear.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Solutions

Not every fair question has a fair answer, but every puzzle does have a solution, however difficult or unappetizing it may be.

Gratitude

Not one of my stronger suits.

Perfection

Now that was a perfect sunset!

Shape of My Heart

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man with too many faces
The mask I wear is one

Well, those who speak know nothin'
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

- Sting

Unjustifiable

I'm far too young and fortunate to be this bitter.

Fear and Loathing

I have not yet fully mastered the great art of self-loathing, but I'm getting damn close.

Effort

The reality that life demands effort does not complement the tendencies of an indolent halfwit like me.

Fair

It’s not fair, it really isn’t!

Throughout much of my adolescent and adult life, I’ve searched in vane for a complimentary mate. My focus had always been on: the search, the quest, the voyage. I never contemplated what I was going to do, once I actually held the object of my desire in my arms.

Imagine my surprise upon the fruition of my elusive fantasy. It wasn’t anticlimactic like my lukewarm lunch date with a reticent high school crush. I’d finally found a true partner who reciprocated my affection and “got” me, like no one before her ever did. At long last I’d found my holy grail.

But as quickly as I’d found her, I lost my love, poof! Gone, like an illusion created with smoke and mirrors. That for which I longed a lifetime vanished right before my very eyes.

While I had not anticipated our meteoric decent, my reaction to it was nothing if not predictable. She moved on with her life and I feebly attempted to reconstruct the shattered pieces of mine. Our precious bond lay dormant but alive.

She will never leave my thoughts. I don’t know if she’ll forever remain the carrot dangling just outside of my reach, but for now I will delay my quixotic pursuit for that which I cannot hold.

Has it really been only a DAY without some form of communication? 24 measly hours? Just a single terrestrial revolution? That’s unconscionable!

I’d be willing to bet I was thought of today. That feeling isn’t all that bad when it comes down to it. Being remembered and missed, having mattered, having touched a beloved’s soul. No, not bad at all.

But, it still isn’t fair…

Then again who ever said life is supposed to be fair?

Contact

In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

- Crash

I genuinely yearn for actual, physical, human contact.

I Turn to You

When the world is darker than I can understand
When nothing turns out the way I planned
When the sky turns gray and there's no end in sight
When I can't sleep through the lonely night

I turn to you
Like a flower leaning toward the sun
I turn to you
'Cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down
I turn to you

When my insides are wracked with anxiety
You have touch that will quiet me
You lift my spirit
You melt the ice
When I need inspiration
When I need advice...

Where would I be?
What would I do?
If you'd never helped me through
I hope someday if you've lost your way
You could turn to me like I turn to you...

I turn to you
When fear tells me to turn around
I turn to you
'Cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down

-Melanie C. (M. J. Chisholm, R. Nowels, B. Steinberg)

You Don't Say!

Are you telling me that that man who tried to put a rubber fist in my annus [anus] was a homosexual!?

- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Lonely Boy

I'm just a lonely boy
Lonely and blue
I'm all alone
With nothin' to do

I've got everything
You could think of
But all I want
Is someone to love

Someone, yes, someone to love
Someone to kiss
Someone to hold
At a moment like this

I'd like to hear
Somebody say
I'll give you my love
Each night and day

- Paul Anka

In & Out of Time

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

- Maya Angelou

Milk, It Does a Body Good

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk...

Self-Absorbed Giant Ass

Looking back at last week's posts, I am faced once again with the reality that I am a self-absorbed giant ass!

Love, Actually

What do you know, I have the capacity to love afterall.

Hope Springs Eternal

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

- Albert Einstein

Easy

Please tell me this isn't easy for you either.

Let There Be Light

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real
tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Saddle Up!

Ok, the four day crying and eating cookies and ice cream is now officially over.

Decompensation

As the mental health professionals would say, I'm decompensating in response to a stressor. I'm slowly unraveling at the seams and losing touch with reality. Considering my usual hold on sanity is at best tenuous, I haven't fallen too far.

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt...

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee

-U2 (Bono)

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

The Missing

Sometimes I think I'd rather be missed than loved. Now that's just sad.

Habit

How do I go about finding my next "heroin"?

We're All Just Circling the Drain

It'll all be over soon anyway.

Am I?

Am I really THAT unpalatable?

Genius

This is how I like to think of myself.

But this is who I AM.

Genuinely surprised about the inevitable.

What, Me Worry?

Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

You Can Do It

... because, you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!

-S. Smalley

Love Hurts

Homer, I can completely sympathize.

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Why does my heart
Feel so bad?
Why does my soul
Feel so bad?

-Moby

One of These Mornings

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
And I'll be gone

-Moby

Shake the Disease

I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these.

Understand me

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Don't Dream It's Over

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over...

-Crowded House (N. Finn)

Self-Betrayal

There is no more acerbic a betrayal than that suffered at the hands of the self.

Comfortably Numb

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I've become comfortably numb.

-Pink Floyd (R. Waters)

Argument

That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

-Thank You for Smoking

Born of Frustration

I still can’t get it through my thick skull that the universe does not rotate around me and that I am unable to control everything and everyone around me. I’ve been in a pissy mood all week. People are louder and more annoying, (‘they’re the same as they’ve always been, it’s just annoying you more now,’ whispers what’s left of my objective brain). I tell myself and others I don’t know why, or that it’s just the winter blues, but that’s not it. Yea I do get noticeably more depressed in the fall/winter months, but I don’t get angry. I’m angry. I’m angry and frustrated. I’m stepping down on the accelerator with all my might, but the wheels just keep spinning in place and the car refuses to budge forward. At least now I have the desire to try to get the car moving. But, as I suspect, that desire will subside in the not too distant future. That’s the scary thought, when I get to where I don’t even try to get the car moving, resign to my fate, and sink into the desolate abyss I’ve come to know so well.

I feel helpless, or as my shrink puts it, not in control of the car. I want to go to the gym, but I’m so fatigued that I fall asleep at 8:30. I wake up in the early morning and drag myself to the bike, but towards the end of the half hour get hypoglycemic and nearly pass out, even though I’d earlier eaten a piece of bread to make sure that didn’t happen. Come home to take a shower and nearly pass out in there, even though right before I ate some more. And I can’t keep eating more because I’m watching my calories. I can’t even escape when I’m asleep. I keep having anxiety dreams of being incapacitated in some way or another, unable to perform even the most menial and simple tasks.

I’m the mime in an opaque shrinking box. I’m being crushed from all sides, seconds from asphyxiation. I scream at the top of my lungs, but no sound escapes my lips. I furiously wave my limbs, yet no one sees. Succumbing to impotence I cease my futile struggles and let nature take its course.

When It Rains...

It Doesn't Matter (Two)

As I lay here with you
The shame lies with us
We talk of love and trust
That doesn't matter

Though we may be the last in the world
We feel like pioneers
Telling hopes and fears
To one another

And oh what a feeling
Inside of me
It might last for an hour
Wounds aren't healing
Inside of me
Though it feels good now
I know it's only for now

The feeling is intense
You grip me with your eyes
And then I realize
It doesn't matter

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

One Day at a Time

This is it; this is it.
This is life, the one you get,
so go and have a ball!

This is it; this is it,
straight ahead, and rest assured,
you can't be sure at all.

So, while you're here, enjoy the view;
keep on doing what you do.
Hold on tight; we'll muddle through,
one day at a time, one day at a time!

So, up on your feet; up on your feet;
somewhere there's music playing.
Don't you worry none,
just take it like it comes,
one day at a time ...

-Jeff Barry

Stripped

Come with me
Into the trees
We'll lay on the grass
And let the hours pass

Take my hand
Come back to the land
Let's get away
Just for one day

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Metropolis
Has nothing on this
You're breathing in fumes
I taste when we kiss

Take my hand
Come back to the land
Where everything's ours
For a few hours

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Let me hear you
Make decisions
Without your television
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Let me hear you crying
Just for me

Originally posted on 8/25/05

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Where Else?

Sylvia: Thanks, for being here for me Andy.

Andy: Where else am I gonna be?

-NYPD Blue

Wounds

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.

-Rose F. Kennedy

Cautious Optimism

Deep within the stealthy confines of my vocabulary is the word optimism. A term whose correct usage, though I understand, regrettably have had scant occasion to use.

Playing out various doomsday scenarios in my head for … well forever, I've known few other coping mechanisms than that provided by thinking “what if …” Preoccupied with deflecting the potential disaster lying in wait in every dark crevice, I have found an eerie comfort within my all too familiar construct of ‘a miserable existence.’

"It's all about the contingency plan," I’d chant to my friends. I always have a contingency plan, that way if my first set of plans falls through, I avoid disappointment. This mantra serves as a chilling testament to my anticipation of impending failure and potential disaster lurking around every bend.

In an effort to avert destructive self-fulfilling prophecies and to live my life as sanely as I can, I am sublimating my destructive and maladaptive thoughts into productive behaviors. I’m trying to let things just happen and the chips fall where they may. For better OR worse. I now find myself in the refreshingly rewarding pursuit of cautious optimism, a healthy dose of exuberance tempered by prudent pragmatism.

Imagine that, seeing the glass as half-full and for the first time,

unpolluted.

Precious

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling ...

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two...

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

-The Animals (Benjamin / Marcus / Caldwell)

Crazy

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so PLEASANT about that place
Even your emotions had an echo in so much space

And when you're out there,without care
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me Crazy?
Does that make me Crazy?
Does that make me Crazy?
Possibly...

-Gnarls Barkley (B. Burton / T. Callaway / G. Reverberi / G. Reverberi)

Evil

I have grown quite tiresome of my solitary pursuit of lesser evils.

Living in Oblivion

You can’t hide the pain,
I can see it scrawled on your empty face.
And I feel the hurt,
It’s in the words you say, they make me want to...

Scream out to the world,
For taking life for granted and I know.
You are by my side when
I turn to hear you cry,

I am so afraid of living in oblivion
I am so afraid of living in oblivion

Am I so blind?
With my eyes turned to a different time or hour.
At the end of the day,
When we both run down and our hopes are heavy...

Tell me what you will,
’cause I’ve got to know the truth inside of you.
Can you hear what I say,
When I hold you and you scorn the day? ...

So I ask again,
Am I so alone and full of pride?
To never speak out...
This is my world, this is my world...

Can you hear my scream?
It’s for everyone, for everyone...

-Anything Box (Claude S.)

Kickstart My Heart

Thanks Ricky Bobby. I needed that.

Nostalgia

Something about twilight in autumn makes me hearken back to my days as a teenager. Days when I lamented the passing of the carefree summer days and eagerly anticipated the weekend and all the promises it held. Now, as I wallow in my self imposed exile, I mourn the human contact imparted by the work week.

Regret

Regret for the past is a waste of spirit.

-NYPD Blue

Picasso Moment

There are instances in my life when I am captivated by a level of elation that transcends time and space. As they move me to tears, these coveted moments temporarily curb my omnipresent cynisim and re-instill my faith in life and humanity. These preciously rare and fleeting flashes of incomparable brilliance linger forevermore in my memory. Precisely one year ago, I was fortunate enough to bask in the most exquisite and bewitching of these “Picasso Moments”.

Cards on the Table

Nicole: You keep it on the table right in front of you, don’t you Baldwin?

Baldwin: Seems to go easier that way.

-NYPD Blue

Disappointment

Those, for whom we care the most, often fall short of our expectations.

Procrastination

It has taken me an inordinately long time to discern that procrastination is financially detrimental.

Skin

When you live in other people’s skin what’s humanly possible, doesn’t matter.

-NYPD Blue

Soul

These are the times that try men's souls.

-Thomas Paine

Truth

Always tell the truth; then you don't have to remember anything.

-Mark Twain

Rage

No you see I wouldn’t kill someone I like, no. I eh, the only person I killed was my mother.

-NYPD Blue

A Little Too Old for the Club

Every man has to settle down, eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

-Chris Rock

Insecurity

There's nothing quite as effective as sitting alone at an empty table in an elaborate Iranian wedding, to make one feel like a total, complete, and utter failure.

Silent Nights

Tonight
I wanna give it all to you
In the darkness
There’s so much I wanna do

And tonight
I wanna lay it at your feet
Cuz girl I was made for you
And girl you were made for me

I was made for loving you baby
And you were made for loving me
And I can’t get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me?

Tonight
I wanna see it in your eyes
Feel the magic
There’s something that drives me wild
And tonight
We’re gonna make it all come true
Cuz girl you were made for me
An girl I was made for you

I was made for loving you baby
You were made for loving me
And I can give it all to you baby
Can you give it all to me?

"I Was Made For Loving You"
-KISS (D. Child / V. Poncia / P. Stanley)

Maturity

"I know what I want, but I don't know what the future holds."

I can live with that, gleefully in fact.

Impulse control and observance of appropriate boundaries are novel experiences for me. But I guess that's what being an adult is all about.

Seeing a few steps down the line, looking beyond just the immediate here and now.

Foregoing an ephemeral gratification for a chance at a lasting, meaningful, and transcendental future.

I know my foray into adulthood will be a bumpy ride, fraught with countless pitfalls. But I no longer fear relinquishing the security, familiarity, and comfort tendered by complacency. Rather, for the first time in my life I enthusiastically embrace the challenge and opportunity to evolve.

My nirvana awaits.

Time in a Bottle

If I could command time I'd hasten our days apart to transpire in a flash and slow to a crawl our shared stolen moments to make them last a lifetime.

Epiphany

Ross: You're over me? When were you, under me?

-Friends

Universe

Don't put yourself in the middle of the universe.

-NYPD Blue

Singin' in the Rain

Singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain.
What a glorious feelin'.
I'm happy again.
I'm laughin' at clouds
So dark up above.
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love.

Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place.
Come on with the rain.
I've a smile on my face.
I'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain,
And singin', just singin' in the rain.

-Gene Kelly (A. Freed)

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Don't Speak

You and me
We used to be together
Every day together always

I really feel
I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real,
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Our memories
They can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening...

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...

-No Doubt (G. Stefani, E. Stefani)