The Hurting

- From "The Hurting" by Tears for Fears

Anti-Depressant

I often thought of myself as her anti-depressant. Little did I realize she was mine.

Anger Management

Not Funny Ha Ha ...

I guess the optimist was right, this time anyway.

Cheer Up!

An optimist and a pessimist are arguing and the pessimist says:

"Everything’s terrible. It can't get any worse!"

and the optimist replies, "oh yes it can!"

- paraphrased from The West Wing

Pout

I'm way too old to pout, but that never stopped me before.

Creep

Take time with a wounded hand
cause it likes to heal...

I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

-Stone Temple Pilots (R. DeLeo / S. Weiland)

Kaboom!

All this impotent rage has got to go somewhere. I just hope nobody gets "hurt".

Wishful Thinking

As much as I believe reality is overrated and as often as I seek refuge in the inviting arms of fantasy, there comes a point when even I have to face and accept the facts as they are, not as I wish them to be.

Flawless

As shockingly arrogant as it may be, I have to consistently remind myself that just like everyone else, I, too, am flawed and far from perfect.

I've Become So Numb

This is not a way to live, agonizing through anger, pain, and numbness. The barrage of unpleasant anniversaries currently thrust upon me further prolongs the suffering. I keep reminding myself that in 2 weeks all this Christmas cheer nonsense will be over, but I genuinely doubt a theriac exists for that which ails my soul.

Sickness

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell

- Harvey Danger

Constant Reassurance

...it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

- Carl Sagan

Sandals

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?

Jim: You just had a rebound ... which don't get me wrong can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over you're left thinking about the girl you really like... the one that broke your heart

-The Office

Blink 182

He who blinks last ...

What the Hell Am I Doing Here?

You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.'

The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.'

A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.

Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I'm a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?'

-The West Wing

Solstice

OK only 1 week till the winter solstice and only 2 weeks till the end of this forced gaiety crap!

Desperately Seeking Shag

Lacking confidence and starved for even the slightest suggestion of affection, I desparately seek approval from whomever I encounter.

Bah! Humbug!

Sometimes I think Ebenezer had the right idea.

An Inconvenient Truth

The era of procrastination, of half-measures of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.

— Winston Churchill

Path of Least Resistance

Moderate

Throw moderation to the winds, and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains.

- Democritus

Smile

When I try real hard, I can almost hear her smile.

Love, Is the Answer

Is it better to have loved and weathered the ravages of emotional limbo, than to not have loved at all?

Just Keep Writing

Josh: I met her twice, Toby.

Sam: Yeah, but, one of those times, she broke your heart. You know the way women can do. Where they take your heart and they throw it on the floor and then they stomp on it with their big high heals. She’s a very beautiful and interesting woman. I can see why a lot of guys would go for her... You know, there's nothing at all I'm saying now of any value. So, I think the thing to do is... I think I should just keep writing.

- The West Wing

Punch Drunk Love

Sam: Do you know what it feels like to be attracted to someone who makes you SICK!

Diane: I could write a book on the subject.

- Cheers

Radio

Life is cruel and then you die
Can't be bothered to try to survive
Time will stop the hours fly
I watch my life slipping by
They call it news it's not to me
The worlds a mess on my TV
I cannot speak I cannot feel
Everything is nothing to me

There's no music on my radio

There's nothing bright to light my day
No signs to read to show me the way
I can't escape I'm out of luck
A bad day I've had enough
No hope for sleep no hope it seems
For happiness and comfort dreams
Another day another wish
Don't want my life to be like this

There's no music on my radio
Turn the radio on

- Client

Bird in Hand

1-4-3

Funk Soul Brother

The permanent solution to my temporary problem seems awfully attractive right about now.

Lessons

In order to learn the important lessons in life, one must each day surmount a fear.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Solutions

Not every fair question has a fair answer, but every puzzle does have a solution, however difficult or unappetizing it may be.

Gratitude

Not one of my stronger suits.

Perfection

Now that was a perfect sunset!

Shape of My Heart

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man with too many faces
The mask I wear is one

Well, those who speak know nothin'
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

- Sting

Unjustifiable

I'm far too young and fortunate to be this bitter.

Fear and Loathing

I have not yet fully mastered the great art of self-loathing, but I'm getting damn close.

Effort

The reality that life demands effort does not complement the tendencies of an indolent halfwit like me.

Fair

It’s not fair, it really isn’t!

Throughout much of my adolescent and adult life, I’ve searched in vane for a complimentary mate. My focus had always been on: the search, the quest, the voyage. I never contemplated what I was going to do, once I actually held the object of my desire in my arms.

Imagine my surprise upon the fruition of my elusive fantasy. It wasn’t anticlimactic like my lukewarm lunch date with a reticent high school crush. I’d finally found a true partner who reciprocated my affection and “got” me, like no one before her ever did. At long last I’d found my holy grail.

But as quickly as I’d found her, I lost my love, poof! Gone, like an illusion created with smoke and mirrors. That for which I longed a lifetime vanished right before my very eyes.

While I had not anticipated our meteoric decent, my reaction to it was nothing if not predictable. She moved on with her life and I feebly attempted to reconstruct the shattered pieces of mine. Our precious bond lay dormant but alive.

She will never leave my thoughts. I don’t know if she’ll forever remain the carrot dangling just outside of my reach, but for now I will delay my quixotic pursuit for that which I cannot hold.

Has it really been only a DAY without some form of communication? 24 measly hours? Just a single terrestrial revolution? That’s unconscionable!

I’d be willing to bet I was thought of today. That feeling isn’t all that bad when it comes down to it. Being remembered and missed, having mattered, having touched a beloved’s soul. No, not bad at all.

But, it still isn’t fair…

Then again who ever said life is supposed to be fair?

Contact

In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

- Crash

I genuinely yearn for actual, physical, human contact.

I Turn to You

When the world is darker than I can understand
When nothing turns out the way I planned
When the sky turns gray and there's no end in sight
When I can't sleep through the lonely night

I turn to you
Like a flower leaning toward the sun
I turn to you
'Cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down
I turn to you

When my insides are wracked with anxiety
You have touch that will quiet me
You lift my spirit
You melt the ice
When I need inspiration
When I need advice...

Where would I be?
What would I do?
If you'd never helped me through
I hope someday if you've lost your way
You could turn to me like I turn to you...

I turn to you
When fear tells me to turn around
I turn to you
'Cos you're the only one
Who can turn me around when I'm upside down

-Melanie C. (M. J. Chisholm, R. Nowels, B. Steinberg)

You Don't Say!

Are you telling me that that man who tried to put a rubber fist in my annus [anus] was a homosexual!?

- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Lonely Boy

I'm just a lonely boy
Lonely and blue
I'm all alone
With nothin' to do

I've got everything
You could think of
But all I want
Is someone to love

Someone, yes, someone to love
Someone to kiss
Someone to hold
At a moment like this

I'd like to hear
Somebody say
I'll give you my love
Each night and day

- Paul Anka

In & Out of Time

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

- Maya Angelou

Milk, It Does a Body Good

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk...

Self-Absorbed Giant Ass

Looking back at last week's posts, I am faced once again with the reality that I am a self-absorbed giant ass!

Love, Actually

What do you know, I have the capacity to love afterall.

Hope Springs Eternal

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

- Albert Einstein

Easy

Please tell me this isn't easy for you either.

Let There Be Light

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real
tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Saddle Up!

Ok, the four day crying and eating cookies and ice cream is now officially over.

Decompensation

As the mental health professionals would say, I'm decompensating in response to a stressor. I'm slowly unraveling at the seams and losing touch with reality. Considering my usual hold on sanity is at best tenuous, I haven't fallen too far.

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt...

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee

-U2 (Bono)

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

The Missing

Sometimes I think I'd rather be missed than loved. Now that's just sad.

Habit

How do I go about finding my next "heroin"?

We're All Just Circling the Drain

It'll all be over soon anyway.

Am I?

Am I really THAT unpalatable?

Genius

This is how I like to think of myself.

But this is who I AM.

Genuinely surprised about the inevitable.

What, Me Worry?

Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

You Can Do It

... because, you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!

-S. Smalley

Love Hurts

Homer, I can completely sympathize.

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Why does my heart
Feel so bad?
Why does my soul
Feel so bad?

-Moby

One of These Mornings

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
And I'll be gone

-Moby

Shake the Disease

I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these.

Understand me

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Don't Dream It's Over

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over...

-Crowded House (N. Finn)

Self-Betrayal

There is no more acerbic a betrayal than that suffered at the hands of the self.

Comfortably Numb

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I've become comfortably numb.

-Pink Floyd (R. Waters)

Argument

That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

-Thank You for Smoking

Born of Frustration

I still can’t get it through my thick skull that the universe does not rotate around me and that I am unable to control everything and everyone around me. I’ve been in a pissy mood all week. People are louder and more annoying, (‘they’re the same as they’ve always been, it’s just annoying you more now,’ whispers what’s left of my objective brain). I tell myself and others I don’t know why, or that it’s just the winter blues, but that’s not it. Yea I do get noticeably more depressed in the fall/winter months, but I don’t get angry. I’m angry. I’m angry and frustrated. I’m stepping down on the accelerator with all my might, but the wheels just keep spinning in place and the car refuses to budge forward. At least now I have the desire to try to get the car moving. But, as I suspect, that desire will subside in the not too distant future. That’s the scary thought, when I get to where I don’t even try to get the car moving, resign to my fate, and sink into the desolate abyss I’ve come to know so well.

I feel helpless, or as my shrink puts it, not in control of the car. I want to go to the gym, but I’m so fatigued that I fall asleep at 8:30. I wake up in the early morning and drag myself to the bike, but towards the end of the half hour get hypoglycemic and nearly pass out, even though I’d earlier eaten a piece of bread to make sure that didn’t happen. Come home to take a shower and nearly pass out in there, even though right before I ate some more. And I can’t keep eating more because I’m watching my calories. I can’t even escape when I’m asleep. I keep having anxiety dreams of being incapacitated in some way or another, unable to perform even the most menial and simple tasks.

I’m the mime in an opaque shrinking box. I’m being crushed from all sides, seconds from asphyxiation. I scream at the top of my lungs, but no sound escapes my lips. I furiously wave my limbs, yet no one sees. Succumbing to impotence I cease my futile struggles and let nature take its course.

When It Rains...

It Doesn't Matter (Two)

As I lay here with you
The shame lies with us
We talk of love and trust
That doesn't matter

Though we may be the last in the world
We feel like pioneers
Telling hopes and fears
To one another

And oh what a feeling
Inside of me
It might last for an hour
Wounds aren't healing
Inside of me
Though it feels good now
I know it's only for now

The feeling is intense
You grip me with your eyes
And then I realize
It doesn't matter

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

One Day at a Time

This is it; this is it.
This is life, the one you get,
so go and have a ball!

This is it; this is it,
straight ahead, and rest assured,
you can't be sure at all.

So, while you're here, enjoy the view;
keep on doing what you do.
Hold on tight; we'll muddle through,
one day at a time, one day at a time!

So, up on your feet; up on your feet;
somewhere there's music playing.
Don't you worry none,
just take it like it comes,
one day at a time ...

-Jeff Barry

Stripped

Come with me
Into the trees
We'll lay on the grass
And let the hours pass

Take my hand
Come back to the land
Let's get away
Just for one day

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Metropolis
Has nothing on this
You're breathing in fumes
I taste when we kiss

Take my hand
Come back to the land
Where everything's ours
For a few hours

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Let me hear you
Make decisions
Without your television
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone

Let me hear you crying
Just for me

Originally posted on 8/25/05

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Where Else?

Sylvia: Thanks, for being here for me Andy.

Andy: Where else am I gonna be?

-NYPD Blue

Wounds

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.

-Rose F. Kennedy

Cautious Optimism

Deep within the stealthy confines of my vocabulary is the word optimism. A term whose correct usage, though I understand, regrettably have had scant occasion to use.

Playing out various doomsday scenarios in my head for … well forever, I've known few other coping mechanisms than that provided by thinking “what if …” Preoccupied with deflecting the potential disaster lying in wait in every dark crevice, I have found an eerie comfort within my all too familiar construct of ‘a miserable existence.’

"It's all about the contingency plan," I’d chant to my friends. I always have a contingency plan, that way if my first set of plans falls through, I avoid disappointment. This mantra serves as a chilling testament to my anticipation of impending failure and potential disaster lurking around every bend.

In an effort to avert destructive self-fulfilling prophecies and to live my life as sanely as I can, I am sublimating my destructive and maladaptive thoughts into productive behaviors. I’m trying to let things just happen and the chips fall where they may. For better OR worse. I now find myself in the refreshingly rewarding pursuit of cautious optimism, a healthy dose of exuberance tempered by prudent pragmatism.

Imagine that, seeing the glass as half-full and for the first time,

unpolluted.

Precious

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling ...

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two...

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

-The Animals (Benjamin / Marcus / Caldwell)

Crazy

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so PLEASANT about that place
Even your emotions had an echo in so much space

And when you're out there,without care
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me Crazy?
Does that make me Crazy?
Does that make me Crazy?
Possibly...

-Gnarls Barkley (B. Burton / T. Callaway / G. Reverberi / G. Reverberi)

Evil

I have grown quite tiresome of my solitary pursuit of lesser evils.

Living in Oblivion

You can’t hide the pain,
I can see it scrawled on your empty face.
And I feel the hurt,
It’s in the words you say, they make me want to...

Scream out to the world,
For taking life for granted and I know.
You are by my side when
I turn to hear you cry,

I am so afraid of living in oblivion
I am so afraid of living in oblivion

Am I so blind?
With my eyes turned to a different time or hour.
At the end of the day,
When we both run down and our hopes are heavy...

Tell me what you will,
’cause I’ve got to know the truth inside of you.
Can you hear what I say,
When I hold you and you scorn the day? ...

So I ask again,
Am I so alone and full of pride?
To never speak out...
This is my world, this is my world...

Can you hear my scream?
It’s for everyone, for everyone...

-Anything Box (Claude S.)

Kickstart My Heart

Thanks Ricky Bobby. I needed that.

Nostalgia

Something about twilight in autumn makes me hearken back to my days as a teenager. Days when I lamented the passing of the carefree summer days and eagerly anticipated the weekend and all the promises it held. Now, as I wallow in my self imposed exile, I mourn the human contact imparted by the work week.

Regret

Regret for the past is a waste of spirit.

-NYPD Blue

Picasso Moment

There are instances in my life when I am captivated by a level of elation that transcends time and space. As they move me to tears, these coveted moments temporarily curb my omnipresent cynisim and re-instill my faith in life and humanity. These preciously rare and fleeting flashes of incomparable brilliance linger forevermore in my memory. Precisely one year ago, I was fortunate enough to bask in the most exquisite and bewitching of these “Picasso Moments”.

Cards on the Table

Nicole: You keep it on the table right in front of you, don’t you Baldwin?

Baldwin: Seems to go easier that way.

-NYPD Blue

Disappointment

Those, for whom we care the most, often fall short of our expectations.

Procrastination

It has taken me an inordinately long time to discern that procrastination is financially detrimental.

Skin

When you live in other people’s skin what’s humanly possible, doesn’t matter.

-NYPD Blue

Soul

These are the times that try men's souls.

-Thomas Paine

Truth

Always tell the truth; then you don't have to remember anything.

-Mark Twain

Rage

No you see I wouldn’t kill someone I like, no. I eh, the only person I killed was my mother.

-NYPD Blue

A Little Too Old for the Club

Every man has to settle down, eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

-Chris Rock

Insecurity

There's nothing quite as effective as sitting alone at an empty table in an elaborate Iranian wedding, to make one feel like a total, complete, and utter failure.

Silent Nights

Tonight
I wanna give it all to you
In the darkness
There’s so much I wanna do

And tonight
I wanna lay it at your feet
Cuz girl I was made for you
And girl you were made for me

I was made for loving you baby
And you were made for loving me
And I can’t get enough of you baby
Can you get enough of me?

Tonight
I wanna see it in your eyes
Feel the magic
There’s something that drives me wild
And tonight
We’re gonna make it all come true
Cuz girl you were made for me
An girl I was made for you

I was made for loving you baby
You were made for loving me
And I can give it all to you baby
Can you give it all to me?

"I Was Made For Loving You"
-KISS (D. Child / V. Poncia / P. Stanley)

Maturity

"I know what I want, but I don't know what the future holds."

I can live with that, gleefully in fact.

Impulse control and observance of appropriate boundaries are novel experiences for me. But I guess that's what being an adult is all about.

Seeing a few steps down the line, looking beyond just the immediate here and now.

Foregoing an ephemeral gratification for a chance at a lasting, meaningful, and transcendental future.

I know my foray into adulthood will be a bumpy ride, fraught with countless pitfalls. But I no longer fear relinquishing the security, familiarity, and comfort tendered by complacency. Rather, for the first time in my life I enthusiastically embrace the challenge and opportunity to evolve.

My nirvana awaits.

Time in a Bottle

If I could command time I'd hasten our days apart to transpire in a flash and slow to a crawl our shared stolen moments to make them last a lifetime.

Epiphany

Ross: You're over me? When were you, under me?

-Friends

Universe

Don't put yourself in the middle of the universe.

-NYPD Blue

Singin' in the Rain

Singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain.
What a glorious feelin'.
I'm happy again.
I'm laughin' at clouds
So dark up above.
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love.

Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place.
Come on with the rain.
I've a smile on my face.
I'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain,
And singin', just singin' in the rain.

-Gene Kelly (A. Freed)

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Don't Speak

You and me
We used to be together
Every day together always

I really feel
I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real,
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Our memories
They can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening...

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...

-No Doubt (G. Stefani, E. Stefani)

Watchmaker

"It’s like he’s a watchmaker, takes himself apart and puts himself back together, EVERY DAY...

I think half the time [he] doesn’t have the vaguest idea what’s going on inside of him. It’s hard to get pissed at him though, you know? He’s a good guy and he’s always trying real hard."

-NYPD Blue

Therapy

Trying to undo years of damage suffered at the hands of parents, one hour at a time.

Two Steps Back

Grandpa's Advice: "Fuck as many women as you can" ... not one woman, "a lot of women".

Grandson's Advice: "Do what you love, *FUCK* everything else!"

-Little Miss Sunshine

SoaP

"I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

-Snakes on a Plane

Three Little Birds

Don´t worry about a thing,
´Cause every little thing gonna be all right.

-Bob Marley and the Wailers (B. Marley)

Good Advice

Under the Milky Way

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty,
Sound of their breath fades with the light
I think about the loveless fascination,
Under the milky way tonight...

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And its something quite peculiar,
Something thats shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination,
Under the milky way tonight

-The Church (K. Jansson / S.Kilbey)

Cruel Summer

Hot summer streets
And the pavements are burning
I sit around

Trying to smile
But the air is so heavy and dry

Strange voices are saying
What did they say
Things I can't understand
It's too close for comfort
This heat has got right out of hand

It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you've gone

The city is crowded
My friends are away
And I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle
So I got to get up and go

It's a cruel, cruel summer...

You're not the only one

-Bananarama (S. E. Dallin /Fabley / S. Jolley / T. Swain / K. Woodward)

Admission

I don't want her back, I just want her to admit her feelings for me.

-House

Hate

House: So I should help her because she hates me.

Wilson: She doesn't hate you. She loves you, she just can't stand to be around you.

-House

Want

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well you might find
You get what you need

-The Rolling Stones (M. Jagger, K. Richards)

Music : Response

Bartlet: Then I ask again, what is the virtue of a proportional response?

Fitzwallace: It isn’t virtuous Mr. President. It’s all there is sir.

Bartlet: It is not all there is.

-The West Wing

Purgatory

Few fates are more loathsome than the abyss fabricated in my consciousness.

Monologue

The incessant conversations in my head are bleeding me dry.

Talk to Myself

I talk to myself, 'cause there's no one else to talk to
People ask me why, why I do what I do.

-Christopher Williams

Better Off

Do you think you're better off alone

-Alice Deejay (P. Kalmani)

Justice

That which is necessary is seldom just.

Flavor of the Month

Sometimes being the "Flavor of the Month" is not all it's cracked up to be.

Control

I may not always be able to control my thoughts, feelings, or reactions, but I can certainly control my actions.

Execution

Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.

Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

Agent: I know why we have reservations.

Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

-Seinfeld

Potential

You don't understand. I could've had class. I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody...

-On the Waterfront

Hazy Shade of Winter

Time, time, time
See what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside
It's bound to be a better ride
Than what you've got planned
Carry a cup in your hand

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes my friend
That's an easy thing to say
But if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again

Look around
Grass is high
Fields are ripe
It's the springtime of my life

Seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky
It's a hazy shade of winter

Look around
Leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground

-The Bangles (P. Simon)

Anger

Lavender "Popeye" Wolfmeyer:

Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks...

The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm.

Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child.

-The Upside of Anger

Catharsis

Tony: You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.

Dr. Melfi: I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.

Tony: Trust me, it's like taking a shit.

-The Sopranos

For Your Love

I'd give the moon if it were mine to give

-The Yardbirds (G. Gouldman)

Brain Damage

The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane.

You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

-Pink Floyd (R. Waters)

Try

Try not.

Do or do not.

There is no try.

-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Choice

The power of choice is an empowering byproduct of a convoluted brain.

I can choose to give in to temptation, buy a pack of smokes, inundate myself with summer re-runs as I munch on some Cheetos, and continue to let life idly pass me by, or ...

I can get up, put on some socks, and ride the bike for half an hour.

Even if it is just to alleviate the guilt, it'd be in my best interest to ride the bike.

Ok getting up now, ...

Any minute now, I'm going to stop typing and get up.

Ok no more joking around.

I'm getting up.

Sandles are off, grabbing the headphones and looking for some shorts ...

Ok sweats will do, now the socks ...

The shoes...

I choose to not feel guilty.

"Fake it,

till you make it."

Why not?

What more do I have to lose?

I'm sure I'll find something...

Time

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over thought I'd something more to say.

-Pink Floyd (D. Gilmour / N. Mason / R. Waters / R. Wright)

Baby Steps

Sue: You are so money, and you don't even know it...

Trent: That's what I keep trying to tell him. You're so money, you don't even know...

Trent: You're like this big bear with claws and fangs...

Sue: ... and big fuckin' teeth...

Trent: ... and teeth... And she's like this little bunny cowering in the corner...

Sue: ...shivering...

Trent: ... And you're just looking at your claws like "How do I kill this bunny?"...

Sue: ...You're just poking at it...

Trent: ... Yeah. You're just gently batting it around... and the rabbit's all scared...

Sue: ... and you got big claws and fangs...

Trent: ... and fangs... and you're like "I don't know what to do. How do I kill this bunny?"...

Sue: ... you're like a big bear.

Mike: You're not just, like, fucking with me?

Trent: No, baby!

Sue: ... honestly...

Trent: ... you're money...

Sue: ... you're so fuckin mmmoney

-Swingers

Silent Mourning

How do I mourn that which never was?

Selfishness

your time has arrived.

Not My Table

... as the waitresses like to say, "Not my table."

-The West Wing

Practice Makes Perfect

But practice requires initiative and persistence.

I think I've heard of those things.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Look Away

When you called me up this mornin'
Told me 'bout the new love you'd found
I said I'm happy for you
I'm really happy for you
Found someone else
I guess I won't be comin' 'round
I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby, whoa-oh

And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be
The way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby
I can take the news okay
But...

If you see me walkin' by
And the tears are in my eyes
Look away, baby, look away
And if we meet on the street someday
And I don't know what to say
Look away, baby, look away
Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me this way

When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That's how it had to be
Yeah, that's how it had to be
I tell you I'm fine
But sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holdin' me
Wish you were still holdin' me, oh, oh

I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn't prepared
To hear those words from you ...

-Chicago (D. Warren)

Violet

And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars were just like little fish ...

When they get what they want, and they never want it again
And they get what they want, and they never want it again
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything, I dare you to
I told you from the start just how this would end

-Hole (C. Love)

Doll Parts

I fake it so real I am beyond fake
And some day you will ache like I ache

-Hole (C. Love)

Last Resort

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide

Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine ...

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin ...

No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils ...

I'm running and I'm crying
Nothings alright, nothing is fine
Cant go on, living this way

-Papa Roach

Crawling

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem ...

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure ...

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

-Linkin Park (Bennington / Bourdon / B. Delson / D. "Phoenix" Farrell / Hahn / M. Shinoda / Wakefield)

T.P.

Quick, what do Shag and toilet paper have in common?

Give up?

We both get shit on and are quite disposable.

Then again, aren't we all expendible?

At This Moment

...Trying to tell me
that you have found you another
and you just don't love me no more

What did you think
I would say at this moment
When I'm faced with the knowledge
That you just don't love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
'cause you just don't love me no more

Did you think
I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you
when darling I love you
and you know
I'd never hurt you-oo-wo-oo...

What do you think
I would give at this moment
If you'd stay
I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I'd fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you
If I, could just hold you

If I could just hold-hold you, again

-Billy Vera & the Beaters

?

Who? What? When? How? Why?

All questions in my head, the answers to which really don't matter. Would it really hurt any less if I knew who she met? How they met? When they met? How old he is? How thin he is? How rich he is?

But the funeral was only ...

Yea but my picture was down ...

But it was really over when I moved out...

If I truly loved her, I'd be genuinely happy for her.

But I don't love. I lack the capacity to love.

I obsess.

The objects of my affection become an all encompassing, all consuming passion that serve to add an ephemeral meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence.

I'm hurt. I'm beyond hurt. I'm psychotically depressed. I'm too devastated to cry. I just have a sinking feeling in my stomach, a feeling I can't shake, a feeling buried deep within. I can FEEL the jagged shards of glass ripping apart my heart.

There have been times when I've been euphoric, chemically induced or otherwise, with a feeling that all is well in the world. This is the exact opposite.

This is the same feeling I had when she confirmed through her puppy dog eyes she was no longer attracted to me.

The same feeling I had when I looked up at her bookcase and saw our picture was gone.

How can she move on with her life as I continue to wallow in self pity. As it turns out she did want a relationship, just not with ME.

Did she ever love me?

Does it matter if she did?

So many questions and so few answers.

How do I deal with the reality that right now, nothing, absolutely nothing, is going to make me feel any better?

How ironic. She's happy. So genuinely happy, that she can't even mask the happiness in her voice.

Discarded like yesterday's news.

My reactions continue to betray me.

I Think I'm Paranoid

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

I'm Sorry

Did you never call? I waited for your call
These rivers of suggestion are driving me away.
The ocean sang, the conversation’s dimmed
Go build yourself another dream, this choice isn’t mine.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry

"So. Central Rain"
-REM (J. M. Stipe)

Torn

My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on, nothing's fine.

I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch ...

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn

-Natalie Imbruglia (A. Preven, S. Cutler)

Friend

"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.

A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?'

The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?'

The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on

Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?'

And the friend jumps in the hole.

Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.'

The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.' "

-The West Wing

Reality Check

Nope,

not yet.

Will check again soon.

Suicide Is Painless

… suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say…

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
And to another give my seat
For that's the only painless feat.

-Johnny Mandel (Mike Altman)

There's Nothing Fair About Who Lives or Dies

"Something Told Me It Was Over"

Sometimes the absence of a picture is worth a 1000 words.

A Moonlit Night in Southern Califonia

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sight more captivating: yep a moonlit night in Malibu, the soft glow of the moon against the backdrop of the light coastal fog, the silvery reflection of shimmering moonlight on the ripples of the gentle Pacific, the soothing tone of the surf caressing the deserted beach; deserted except for the soul whose foot tracks marred the otherwise silky smooth and moist sand. Just an ordinary night for most, but this lost soul thought, rather, felt otherwise. There was something magical, something unreal, something haunting about this place, this time.

Maybe it was the smell of the brisk sea breeze or the thick humid air, which he always seemed to choke on, or perhaps the sad memories it brought to mind. The memory of the girl who had rejected his love, TWICE! But that was nothing new. He was used to rejection. Had grown up with it all of his life. He’d learned from experience, hadn’t he?

“Always plan for everything.”
“Be prepared for anything.”
“If you expect the worst to happen, anything else could only be cause for relief.”
“Build a wall around yourself …if you don’t let anybody in, they can’t hurt you” (but they can’t love you either, a nagging voice in the back of his head reminded).

Rules, rules, and more rules; just part of his compulsive personality; the same personality that forced him to go up a size in jeans every year for as long as he could remember; the same personality that tortured him when people would scoff at “convention” during a friendly game of gin. And oh so many other things that unnerved him so.

What ‘IT’ was he didn’t know, but its effect was only too evident. This late night in August somehow grabbed a hold of his heart and drew him closer into the mist. The moisture against his face felt refreshing, yet numbing at the same time. He began to take notice of his body hair, how odd that it should be standing on end in this warm summer night.

But, everything about this night was odd: The churning feeling in his stomach, the intermittent bursts of cold sweat across his brow, and most of all a discernible increase in his heartbeat. It is said that fat men can sweat even if they are asleep, but he knew from experience this was just an exaggerated old wives’ tale.

No, this feeling had nothing to do with his weight, height, eye color or any other physical feature. It was something embedded deep inside him. A monster it seemed was sick of confinement and wanted out. A monster that would soon get its wish. As if possessed, he walked out to the ocean. He wasn’t happy or sad; truthfully, he didn’t seem to feel any emotion. The time for emotions had come and gone.

Emotions were such useless inefficient things that always got in the way, and he didn’t need any distractions. He gently waded in the surprisingly warm sea. His wet clothes, which probably weighed a ton made no more impression on his skin than did the rough scaly leaves of kelp he’d managed to drag out on his bare limbs. As he made his way toward the horizon, he sliced open the shimmering reflection of moonlight, and just as he’d earlier marred the barren beach sand, he tainted the once perfectly calm water. Soon the soft glow would return to the sea and the depressions in the sand filled. Soon perfection would triumph.

-Originally written 8/5/1993

Money for Nothing

That ain't workin', that's the way you do it,
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free.

-Dire Straits (Gordon Sumner, Mark Knopfler)

Sometimes, There is no "Good"

Conspicuously resistible for as long as I can recall, I've become quite adroit in the art of guilt induction. Unable to attract others on my own merit, I craft emotional scenarios, offering its hapless participants an unholy dilemma:

1. Reject my insufferable advances, "abandon" me, and bear the wrath of unremitting guilt, or

2. Concede to conscience, stay put, and revel in agony.

They may not stay of their own volition, but not leaving for fear of feeling sub-human does afford me acceptable consolation.

I doubt I've consciously adopted this malicious coping strategy, but I do reap its "rewards" and must, therefore, be held accountable.

Why?

... because I cannot help with whom I fall in love.

"Don't Dip Your Pen in the Company Ink"

Why did I not heed such sage advice?

Good Grief!

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Depression
4. Bargaining
5. Acceptance

What If This Is as Good as It Gets?

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?

Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

-"As Good as It Gets"

Rip Off The Freakin' Band Aid Already Will Ya!

How should one take off a band aid?

Fast and quick, right?

In reality, many of us can't bear the brief, intense, requisite pain of expeditiously ripping off a band aid. Rather, we methodically and slowly pull back the flaps off the healing wound and volunteer instead to prolong the interminable dull pain. We do this, for we let our emotions cloud our judgement, and our fear to trump reason.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

So Much for "Think Positive"

Nope, it's gonna take more than just a simple uplifting song to get me through this "Rock Bottom".

The good news, I've been here before, and there's nowhere to go but up.

The bad news, I'm here again.

The worst news, checking out is no longer an option.

Ok time to sleep, must go to work tomorrow, and I think I'm starting to have auditory hallucinations.

The ironic thing is, as much as my heart aches, my brain knows this is for the best.

After all IF we were meant to be, together we shall be.

And if NOT, ...

Well, let's not dwell too much on that for now. Plenty of time for bitter reality later.

For now I'm just gonna replay 9/9 in my head.

Sweet dreams.

I Can See Clearly Now

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all the obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies.

-Johnny Nash

Such Great Heights

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death

-Iron and Wine (B. Gibbard)

We're Not Together

Repeat
Fade

Success Necessitates Failure,

Acceptance necessitates release.

I Don't Wanna Lose Your Love

...Come around and talk it over
So many things that I'd like to say
You know I like my girls a little bit older

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

I ain't got many friends left to talk to
No-one's around when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night - we'll keep it under cover...

Try to stop my hands from shakin'
Somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense
It's been awhile since we've been all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feelin'

As you leave me please would you close the door
And forget what I told you
Just 'cause you're right - that don't mean I'm wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

-The Outfield (J. F. Spinks)

Outside

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Yeah

All this time
That I could make you breathe
Yeah

All the times
That I felt insecure
Yeah

And I leave
A burning path of flame

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time
That I felt like this won’t add
Once for you

And I taste
What I could never have
It’s from you

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waist
More time than anyone ...

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know ...

-Staind (Aaron Lewis)

What Happens In Miami, ...

And I miss you - Like the deserts miss the rain

-Everything But The Girl (B. Watt, T. Thorn)

I'm Not Like Everybody Else

I won't take all that they hand me down,
And make out a smile, though I wear a frown,
And I won't take it all lying down,
'Cause once I get started I go to town.

'Cause I'm not like everybody else…

And I don't want to ball about like everybody else,
And I don't want to live my life like everybody else,
And I won't say that I feel fine like everybody else,

But darling, you know that I love you true,
Do anything that you want me to,
Confess all my sins like you want me to,
There's one thing that I will say to you,
I'm not like everybody else …

And I won't say that I feel fine like everybody else,
'Cause I'm not like everybody else …

If you all want me to settle down,
Slow up and stop all my running 'round,
Do everything like you want me to,
There's one thing that I will say to you …

-The Kinks (R. Davies)

Gray

I tend to end up right where I started. Of course I can look at this with a ”positive” bias and note the few happy times in my life. And utilizing said logic, I will end up being happy again.

But I’m not really a glass half full kind of guy.

Just playing the odds, I tend to be miserable far more often than I am happy and …

I know, I know, it sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy. Yes the all too familiar self fulfilling prophecy. If you think it, it will come.

I do have my moments of joy here and there, but lately there’s been little to cheer in Mudville.

Sure, I am going to Miami in 2 weeks and just got myself a spiffy new ipod …

But (cue broken record)

I’m broke, sad, and worst of all …

Alone.

Can any more be gained by continuing to bang my head against the wall? Isn’t it far more logical to just accept my fate? Embrace the misery, misfortune, and solitude and be done with it?


This is how it is, how it has always been, and how it will continue to be.

Just as a Southeast Asian rice farmer was never meant to drive a German sports car, I was never meant to …

(fill in the blank)

Resistance Is Futile

Only the Good Die Young

Somebody Told Me

Breaking my back just to know your name
Seventeen tracks and I've had it with this game
I'm breaking my back just to know your name
But heaven ain't close in a place like this...

-The Killers (Brandon Flowers)

Drive

Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great

You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream...

Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break...

-The Cars (Rick Ocasek)

"I Want To Be Alone"

...Now I've been hangin around you for days
But when I'm leanin you just turn your head away
I know you didn't mean that
She said I love the way you think but I hate the way you act

'Cause I always have to steal my kisses from you
Always have to steal my kisses from you ...

-Ben Harper

Fucking Root Beer

There is something eerily soothing and remarkably cathartic about standing in the middle of one’s kitchen, drenched from head to toe with ice cold sticky root beer, and staring incredulously at the panoramic splash pattern on the walls.

How did I get here?

7:59 a.m.

I realize that I have left behind my ATM card at the machine. Thankfully it has not been used in the interim and I can still make rent next month. Now the replacement is going to take a week to get to me, which means no cash for Shag until then. Considering I only have $40.00 to access in the first place, it’s not that big a deal, but I kind of need that money. But it’s ok, it’s Thursday and I get my DVR today.

11:45 a.m.

I have just finished a Dreamweaver class at work, good deal actually, get to learn something useful and get paid for the time. It’s nice and sunny outside. Life is good. Oh look a message on my cell phone. I wonder what that could be?

… Comcast Cable … overwhelming demand … two weeks…

WHAT?! But I had an appointment, called this in over two months ago, etc. Great add this to the long list of highly anticipated small mercies in my life that did not come to fruition.

12:15 p.m

Woohoo gas is on. I can shower at home again. Oh wait, the heater can’t be turned on because of a missing firebox inspection cover.

9:00 p.m.

Get a call from “significant other”. Suffice it to say it was a very heavy conversation. The previous minor annoyances now only serve to aggravate this much larger tightening noose around my neck.

10:03 p.m.

Ok KFC is now closed. I spent a good 45 minutes over the span of two days coming up with a KFC meal that would fit in my caloric budget, but that won’t happen tonight. Add to the list of minor annoyances weighing down the pink elephant in the room.

10:48 p.m.

Have just spent another 45 minutes trying to come up with a Jack In the Box Meal under 1400 kcal. If I run out the door right now I can make it back in time for The Daily Show and Colbert.

10:52 p.m.

Begin to place my order.

-Hi can I get a medium sized Classic Chicken Ciabatta Sandwich with Curley Fries

-What kind of drink?

-Diet Coke

-Anything Else?

-One Eggroll and one Asian Chicken Salad

-Sorry don’t have any more Asian Chicken Salad

Great, the day just keeps getting better

10:59 p.m.

Have just made it back. Cool I get to watch the Daily Show and salvage the evening. I guess instead of the Asian Chicken Salad I can just have a corndog. Put the corndog in the microwave and as I hear the all too familiar sound of the Daily Show theme in the background I take a sip from my drink.

ROOTBEER!

MOTHERFUCKING ROOTBEER!

Not taking time nor effort to forge a cost benefit analysis and forgetting about Newton’s third law of physics, I raise the large plastic cup of soda in a pitcher’s stance and hurl it with all of my might at the corner of my kitchen sink.

The next few minutes of the evening are a blur. I finally calmed down enough to sit down and eat, but most of the Daily Show did not make it into my consciousness. I was about to say goodbye to a miserable night, when Colbert started going off on bears again.

I laughed and laughed maniacally. Not just a normal laugh, a belly aching, rip roaring, orgasmic, Woody Woodpecker laugh.

It felt good to laugh.
It felt good to not be weighed down.

It felt good to finally let go.

After all colored sugar water is easily removed by warm water.
Good thing my gas is on.

Instant Karma

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you're gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin' to do
It's up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin'
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin' at fools like me
Who in the hell d'you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev'ryone come on

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev'ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you're ev'rywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on...

-John Lennon

The Mirror Can Be An Ugly Thing

New Year's Day

Yeah...

All is quiet on New Year's Day
A world in white gets underway
I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes on New Year's Day
On New Year's Day

I will be with you again
I will be with you again

Under a blood red sky
A crowd has gathered in black and white
Arms entwined, the chosen few
The newspapers says, says
Say it's true it's true...
And we can break through
Though torn in two
We can be one

I...I will begin again
I...I will begin again

Oh...
Maybe the time is right
Oh...maybe tonight...

I will be with you again
I will be with you again

And so we're told this is the golden age
And gold is the reason for the wars we wage
Though I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes
On New Year's Day
On New Year's Day

-U2 (Bono)

Eureka!

It dawned on me tonight, my love, that I don't thank you nearly enough.

I don't thank you for putting a smile on my face first thing in the morning.

I don't thank you for melting my heart with your soft squeeshy marshmellow insides.

I don't thank you for supporting me in all of my endeavors.

I don't thank you for being my rock.

I don't thank you for listening to me and humoring me when I'm being completely unreasonable.

I don't thank you for not giving up on us.

I don't thank you for opening your heart to me.

I don't thank you for your patience.

So my precious,

THANK YOU

Thank you for being you.

Sweet dreams and for God's sake, eat something :-)

My Bloody Valentine

House: The Universe always settles the score

Cuddy: Does it?

House: No, but it should...

-House

A spirit crushed is all but impossible to mend

This is gonna be a lot harder than I anticipated...

If There's A Problem...

Yo I'll Solve It check out the hook while my DJ revolves it



-Floyd Brown, Mario La Vell, Johnson, Robert Matthew Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice)

Who Watches The Winter Olympics Anyway?

I know I don't and...

won't.

In other news see Compulsion, I know how this movie ends

For now

I need to care less and be a man

Because I CAN ...

and let's not forget about the pink elephant in the room

Farewell sweetie, here's hoping you find that which you seek.

The Less You Care

the happier you'll be...

I wonder if that'll really be true for me

Be A Man

and quit kissing so much ass!

TNT - The Place for Drama

Maybe I should consider adopting said network initials and slogan as my own.

I was just asking a dear friend today:

"Am I attracted to it or is it attracted to me?"

Men are so silly in that they attempt to use words as ...

Aaagh!



What's the fucking use anyway...


I KNOW how this movie ends.

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feeling disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

-As Performed by Johnny Cash (Written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails)

The Most Depressing Day of the Year

"Ignorance is bliss...

You know...

Oedipus … Oedipus

ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions."

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

One

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

-U2 (Bono)

I CAN do better...

"Why was I born handsome instead of rich?"

Maybe dreams were meant to be chased...

With or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied - my body bruised
She's got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without you

-U2 (Bono)

Something About Us

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway
I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you
I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

-Daft Punk

For Better Or Worse...

things have a tendency to work themselves out.

Waking up alone sucks!

And a bloody good morning to you too!

Perhaps I should try this approach

or try not to be insane

and remind myself of this more often

but then again ...

Originally posted on 10/25/2005 @ 8:32 a.m.

Funny how things change...

Strangelove

There'll be times
When my crimes
Will seem almost unforgivable
I give in to sin
Because you have to make this life livable
But when you think I've had enough
From your sea of love
I'll take more than another riverfull
And I'll make it all worthwhile
I'll make your heart smile

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me
Will you take the pain
I will give it to you
Again and again
And will you return it

There'll be days
When I'll stray
I may appear to be
Constantly out of reach
I give in to sin
Because I like to practice what I preach
I'm not trying to say
I'll have it all my way
I'm always willing to learn
When you've got something to teach
And I'll make it all worthwhile
I'll make your heart smile

Pain will you return it
I'll say it again -- pain
Pain will you return it
I won't say it again

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me

I give in
Again and again
I give in
will you give it to me
I give in
I'll say it again
I give in

I give in
Again and again
I give in
That's how my love goes
I give in
I'll say it again
I give in

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Common Sense? Not really all that common after all...

The car has crashed, flipped over in the middle of a two lane highway. You're lying in your seat, upside down, dangling in the seatbelt and instead of thinking about how to get out to safety, all you can think is "How did I end up here?" and "How could I've avoided the crash?"

It seems like a very counterintuitive response, but seems to happen with astonishing regularity.

Gotta disengage the seatbelt any way I can, drag myself out, get medical attention, try to get someone to move the car from the middle of the road ...

Get out of the car

Get out of the car

Get out of the car

Worry about the rest when out of the car

Nothing else matters if the ABC's aren't there. Airway Breathing Circulation. If you ain't got these three, there's no point sweating other shit...

Get out of the car instead of worrying about why or how the car flipped over, how much it's going to cost to fix/replace, how to avoid future such crashes, how you're gonna explain it, how it's gonna make so and so feel....

Get out first

Nothing else matters without the ABC's...

Get Out!

We Care A Lot

He for whom has not been cared is obliged to care for himself.

When Harry Met Sally

Harry: Ooo, Ingrid Bergman, now she's low maintenance.

Sally: Low maintenance?

Harry: There are two kinds of women. High maintenance and low maintenance.

Sally: And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

Harry: In LM, definitely.

Sally: Which one am I?

Harry: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

Sally: I don't see that.

Harry: You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the Balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the Salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce, on the side. On the side is a very big thing for you.

Sally: Well I just want it the way I want it.

Harry: I know. High maintenance.

Shut Up Just Shut Up Shut Up Shut It Up Just Shut Up

Why are people so fucking loud?

And why do they talk so fucking much?

Heaven help us all...

Results Matter

I will try to concentrate less on my wants and more on my needs. Hopefully the rest will follow.

Leaving something unsaid...

may lead to a permanent misunderstanding.

I enjoy the company of like minded individuals

Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

Courage to change the things I can,
And
Wisdom to know the difference.

Why can't I just follow this AA mantra?

So enlightened, so logical, so common sensical, so right,

and yet...

so utterly out of my grasp.

Sometimes I reach a level of frustration in my life that is almost comical. If it were actually comical I could laugh about it, but when I even have difficulty with the simple rote task of typing which I've been performing since I was 13 years old, the frustration ceases to elicit laughter.

Time is finite and few things in life can be truly controlled. Yet I insist on continuing my quixotic quest to dispel these universal truths. What was the definition of insanity again?

It's an uphill battle to say the least. The snowball grows rather quickly. It starts with punching in at 8:02 instead of 8:00. Only 2 minutes late, which doesn't seem like much, but there are already people waiting, and ...

I'm not sure who I'm mad at. Myself for leaving my house few minutes late, the slow witted sap who didn't wish to race thru the streets of west L.A. at blazing speeds so that I could make up for the lost time, or the city planner for designing the stupid layout, or Caltrans for the freeway construction or....

And people gotta be social in the morning and say hello and interrupt my train of thought. Don't they realize that I have to concentrate so much just to get by? Don't they realize that I can't walk and chew gum at the same time, especially in the morning?

I don't want to talk, but that's socially unacceptable. Why can't I just tell them to fuck off and leave me alone for 5 minutes? This dance, this routine we do every freakin' day of our lives. Why? Social convention, civility, common courtesy, the golden rule, etc etc etc...

During my painstaking efforts to make my environs "comfortable", I often neglect and take for granted all that is RIGHT around me. And when I am confronted with a novel situation, I am caught unprepared for the lack of that which was "RIGHT" before. And God forbid, if an unforeseen circumstance should happen to arise within this novel and disordered realm. Lack of counter space, small confines, long sleeve shirt, a ringing and distracting cell phone, the spilt syrupy liquid (how am I gonna clean that up and keep the chicken from burning), the ...

And I often look for sympathy where none is to be found or rather should be found. This, too, I find disturbing on many levels. The first level is the perceived utter lack of reciprocity. Damn it, I should be constantly humored and never offered sage pragmatic advice. I mean that just adds fuel to the fire.

But the true disturbance occurs after realizing how egocentric I can be. Oh to be so incredibly self absorbed with my own trivial suffering that I neglect the true profound suffering of those I expect to humor me. This self absorption reaches such bold heights that I project my ill conceived notions onto the person to whom I have just turned for sympathy and who is trying her best to make me feel good. Now SHE is the one who is self absorbed and at fault.

The level of delusion required to pull off this magnificent feat is incomprehensible. It's like a business executive looking at a pauper with contempt and saying disdainfully, "I can't believe he's so concerned with not starving that he's begging for money to eat instead of sympathizing with me in my hour of need. I mean I just lost a 7 figure client to a rookie. How gauche!"

To be that out of touch with reality, to be so narrow mindedly obsessed about that which causes me immense frustration and throws my entire grasp of sanity and reality into disarray...

My blood pressure must be thru the roof right now.

I don't want to be that guy. The guy who is so oblivious as to scream incredulously at the top of his lungs: "I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!"

It is what it is...

But perhaps the saddest thing is that I DO SEE the absurdity in how I feel, and in my reactions and I still can't seem to be able to do anything about it. It's like an accident waiting to happen. You know, like those blooper videos where you are watching someone perilously perched atop a step stool leaning over and reaching for something and you know, you absolutely know this is not going to end good and despite knowing your television only accommodates a one way flow of information, you can't help but yell at the screen to warn the poor sap to stop for he is about to fall flat on his face.

Imagine if you are the poor sap you are watching on the tv screen, and you are going to fall and you know there's nothing to be done about it. Brace for the fall, cause you're gonna fall and you see it coming a mile away and you still can't do anything about it.

It's like being paralyzed and in pain at the same time. Experiencing discomfort yet powerless to do anything about it.

But being a victim can be doubly hard, when I realize that I really am not a victim in any way shape or form. I mean when I KNOW it's not even close. Nothing has wronged me in any significant or life altering way. All that is happened is that a small confluence of events has caused a series of minor annoyances in my life that caused me to become frustrated and slightly inconvenienced. There really isn't any blame, and there are times when there is no blame to be assigned.

Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens. There are times blame can be assigned and times when shit just happens man. Accept it and move on, don't dwell on it the whole freakin day and night and blog about it for over an hour.

It's not all about you.

Get a grip.

Take a moment.

Take a breath.

Revel in the fact that you are blessed with a brain, a heart, and someone to share them with. Get up from the chair, go to the gym, and go have dinner with your love.

Do that which you have waited for all week. Hold her, talk to her, listen to her, and most important of all...



stop yelling.

This Above All; To Thine Own Self Be True

Impossible!

“When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains--however improbable--must be the truth.”

-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Hard to remember, impossible to forget

Leave it to Cameron Crowe to make another heart warming masterpiece. I truly envy genius. Here's a partial Crowe filmography:

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Say Anything
Singles
Jerry Maguire
Almost Famous
Vanilla Sky
and my newest favorite with quotes to die for Elizabethtown

Thanks for reminding me that there is still some unpolluted water left on Earth.

How full is your glass today?

"Life in itself is an empty canvas, it becomes whatsoever you paint on it. You can paint misery, you can paint bliss. This freedom is your glory."

-From Osho

One of my favorite cartoons of all time depicts a couple sitting in a bar looking at a partially filled glass of water and the caption reads "It's half full, but the water is probably polluted". I never thought my pessimistic idealism could be so accurately portrayed. So how pure is the water filling your glass today?

And to bleed willingly and joyfully

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you ...

For love is sufficient unto love ...

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself ...


To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.


-Excerpted from "On Love" from "The Prophet" by Kahil Gibr

Thank you my love for making my life so livable.

"You expand my heart"

Ditto

Mind Blowing Sex

Last night I discovered that in the wrong hands, flash photography and magazine articles can be quite effective weapons.

This morning I realized that I abhor "aesthetically challenged" people who are bitchy. If I have the misfortune of having to converse with one, whose parents obviously lost a bet with God, the least she can do is have a pleasant demeanor to offset the disfigurement cast upon her "face." It's not my fault nature dealt her the ugly gene, but considering I am willing to acknowledge her presence and speak with her, despite the gross malformity that lies above her torso, she should extend the small courtesy of being cordial towards me.

Black Celebration

Let's have a black celebration
Black celebration
Tonight

To celebrate the fact
That we've seen the back
Of another black day

I look to you
How you carry on
When all hope is gone
Can't you see

Your optimistic eyes
Seem like paradise
To someone like
Me

I want to take you
In my arms
Forgetting all I couldn't do today

Black celebration
Black celebration
Tonight

To celebrate the fact
That we've seen the back
Of another black day

I look to you
And your strong belief
Me, I want relief
Tonight

Consolation
I want so much
Want to feel your touch
Tonight

Take me in your arms
Forgetting all you couldn't do today

Black celebration
I'll drink to that
Black celebration
Tonight

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Blasphemous Rumours

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Sounds Of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
’neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out it’s warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, the words of the prophets

Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper’d in the sounds of silence.

-Simon & Garfunkel (Paul Simon)

But Not Tonight

Oh God, it's raining
But I'm not complaining
It's filling me up
With new life ...

And I haven't felt so alive
In years

Just for a day
On a day like today
I'll get away from this
Constant debauchery

Oh God, it's raining
And I'm not containing
My pleasure at being
So wet ...

The moon
Is shining in the sky
Reminding me
Of so many other nights
When my eyes have been so red
I've been mistaken for dead
But not tonight

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Nonfat Mayo is NOT Mayo ...

Can't Fight This Feeling

Cause I feel so secure when we’re together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I’m keeping you in sight
You’re a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter’s night
And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might ...

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I’ve been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I’m following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone I’d never find

-REO Speedwagon (Kevin Cronin)

Here Is The House

Here is the house
Where it all happens
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And is it happens
It happens here in this house

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home
And there's someone
Calling on the telephone
Let's stay home
It's cold outside
And I have so much
To confide to you

With or without words
I'll confide everything ...

So we stay at home
And I'm by your side
And you know
What's going on inside
Inside my heart
Inside this house
And I just want to
Let it out for you

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home ...

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Wish You Were Here

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year ...

-Pink Floyd (Roger Waters)

Everyone likes to talk, few are willing to listen

Often despite our best efforts reality cannot be altered. But every once in a while reality can be unexpectedly enchanting.

Paint It Black

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

-Rolling Stones (M. Jagger/K. Richards)

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

"YOU ARE A PRACTICAL PERSON WITH YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND"

Oh, ... fortune teller how well you know me!

It's Not So Bad

Sitting conspicuously alone on the sands of Point Dume at dusk, I couldn't help but be bemused by the chorus of "It's not so bad" blaring from my headphones. Over and over again, Dido's sampled angelic voice singing "It's not so bad..... It's not so bad..."

-I'm alone ...

"It's not so bad...."

-I'm broke ...

"It's not so bad ..."

-LLS

"It's not so bad ..."

And as the crimson sun gently kissed the western horizon, transforming the once azure sky into an amethyst tableau, I felt for a brief second, that it really wasn't so bad.

A Question of Time

Sometimes I don't blame them
For wanting you
You look good
And they need something to do
Until I look at you
And then I condemn them
I know my kind
What goes on in our minds

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Obsession

You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

-Animotion (Holly Knight/Michael Desbarres)

Time to get up off the mat

As I sipped an overpriced beer atop a Pacific lounge crowded by the "beautiful" L.A. people, I felt like a cowering ant lost amongst a forest of giants. And then I began to wonder why I felt so out of place. Was it the reflection of twilight off their glowing skin, their picture perfect bodies and outfits, or the confidence and arrogance with which they beamed?

Get The Balance Right

There's more besides joyrides
Little house in the countryside
Understand, learn to demand,
Compromise, sometimes lie

Get the balance right, get the balance right ...

But always remain ultimately selfish ...

You think you've got a hold of it all
You haven't got a hold at all
When you reach the top, get ready to drop
Prepare yourself for the fall, you're gonna fall

It's almost predictable

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Sometimes a little flash is what's required

I was going over some of the blog entries and I noticed many, if not all, have a hauntingly dark tone to them. Chalk it up to years of listening to Depeche Mode.

But this morning I woke up with a rather sunny disposition, a rarity in my life to be sure. So to mark this momentous occasion and break the monotony of melancholy, I'm going to link to a friend of mine who exudes sunshine. She's an entirely different kind of leopard.

Time can never mend, The careless whispers of a good friend

A true best friend, I believe, knows when to tell me the truth and when to color it to protect my fragile ego. Above all she is always on my side cheering and rooting for me.

A complicated juggling act, but that's what friends do.

Even when you fall on your face due to your own carelessness, a friend should first pick you up, dust you off, and embrace you as you sob. He should never kick you when you're down by admonishing you for your stupidity. There's plenty of time for that later.

It is when these closest of friends disappoint, that love turns to anger. The ultimate test of the friendship, however, is if it survives the anger and turns into acceptance and resolution.

There's that magic word again, acceptance.

Love My Way

You can never win or lose
If you don't
Run the race

-Psychedelic Furs (Richard Butler)

The Things You Said

I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
They know my weaknesses
I never denied them ...

How can a view become so twisted ...

I get so carried away
You brought me down to earth
I thought we had something precious
Now I know what it's worth ...

I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I've never felt so disappointed
Never felt so disappointed

They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
Thought that you liked them

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

It is what it is

Now I've got things to do
You have too
And I've got to be me
You've got to be you

"Stories of Old"
-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

To err is human

"Guess what? Mistakes are gonna be made. Minimize them, fix them, move on."

-The West Wing

I know how this movie ends

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

It is in fact a psychological defense mechanism in which a person faced with a fact that is uncomfortable or painful to accept, rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true DESPITE overwhelming evidence.

I KNOW THIS.

But knowledge and acceptance are two distinctly different notions.

As I see it, first comes denial, then comes knowledge, then you get drawn and quartered by a horse drawn carriage.

And only when one has suffered through the ravages of knowledge for a seemingly interminable amount of time, does a speck of light in the form of acceptance pierce through the dark clouds of despair.

This, too, I KNOW.

But awareness, while helpful in short term rationalization and long term coping, does not cushion the blow when the sweet taste of denial turns to bitter reality.