Sunday, November 13, 2005
Results Matter
I will try to concentrate less on my wants and more on my needs. Hopefully the rest will follow.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change
Courage to change the things I can,
And
Wisdom to know the difference.
Why can't I just follow this AA mantra?
So enlightened, so logical, so common sensical, so right,
and yet...
so utterly out of my grasp.
Sometimes I reach a level of frustration in my life that is almost comical. If it were actually comical I could laugh about it, but when I even have difficulty with the simple rote task of typing which I've been performing since I was 13 years old, the frustration ceases to elicit laughter.
Time is finite and few things in life can be truly controlled. Yet I insist on continuing my quixotic quest to dispel these universal truths. What was the definition of insanity again?
It's an uphill battle to say the least. The snowball grows rather quickly. It starts with punching in at 8:02 instead of 8:00. Only 2 minutes late, which doesn't seem like much, but there are already people waiting, and ...
I'm not sure who I'm mad at. Myself for leaving my house few minutes late, the slow witted sap who didn't wish to race thru the streets of west L.A. at blazing speeds so that I could make up for the lost time, or the city planner for designing the stupid layout, or Caltrans for the freeway construction or....
And people gotta be social in the morning and say hello and interrupt my train of thought. Don't they realize that I have to concentrate so much just to get by? Don't they realize that I can't walk and chew gum at the same time, especially in the morning?
I don't want to talk, but that's socially unacceptable. Why can't I just tell them to fuck off and leave me alone for 5 minutes? This dance, this routine we do every freakin' day of our lives. Why? Social convention, civility, common courtesy, the golden rule, etc etc etc...
During my painstaking efforts to make my environs "comfortable", I often neglect and take for granted all that is RIGHT around me. And when I am confronted with a novel situation, I am caught unprepared for the lack of that which was "RIGHT" before. And God forbid, if an unforeseen circumstance should happen to arise within this novel and disordered realm. Lack of counter space, small confines, long sleeve shirt, a ringing and distracting cell phone, the spilt syrupy liquid (how am I gonna clean that up and keep the chicken from burning), the ...
And I often look for sympathy where none is to be found or rather should be found. This, too, I find disturbing on many levels. The first level is the perceived utter lack of reciprocity. Damn it, I should be constantly humored and never offered sage pragmatic advice. I mean that just adds fuel to the fire.
But the true disturbance occurs after realizing how egocentric I can be. Oh to be so incredibly self absorbed with my own trivial suffering that I neglect the true profound suffering of those I expect to humor me. This self absorption reaches such bold heights that I project my ill conceived notions onto the person to whom I have just turned for sympathy and who is trying her best to make me feel good. Now SHE is the one who is self absorbed and at fault.
The level of delusion required to pull off this magnificent feat is incomprehensible. It's like a business executive looking at a pauper with contempt and saying disdainfully, "I can't believe he's so concerned with not starving that he's begging for money to eat instead of sympathizing with me in my hour of need. I mean I just lost a 7 figure client to a rookie. How gauche!"
To be that out of touch with reality, to be so narrow mindedly obsessed about that which causes me immense frustration and throws my entire grasp of sanity and reality into disarray...
My blood pressure must be thru the roof right now.
I don't want to be that guy. The guy who is so oblivious as to scream incredulously at the top of his lungs: "I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!"
It is what it is...
But perhaps the saddest thing is that I DO SEE the absurdity in how I feel, and in my reactions and I still can't seem to be able to do anything about it. It's like an accident waiting to happen. You know, like those blooper videos where you are watching someone perilously perched atop a step stool leaning over and reaching for something and you know, you absolutely know this is not going to end good and despite knowing your television only accommodates a one way flow of information, you can't help but yell at the screen to warn the poor sap to stop for he is about to fall flat on his face.
Imagine if you are the poor sap you are watching on the tv screen, and you are going to fall and you know there's nothing to be done about it. Brace for the fall, cause you're gonna fall and you see it coming a mile away and you still can't do anything about it.
It's like being paralyzed and in pain at the same time. Experiencing discomfort yet powerless to do anything about it.
But being a victim can be doubly hard, when I realize that I really am not a victim in any way shape or form. I mean when I KNOW it's not even close. Nothing has wronged me in any significant or life altering way. All that is happened is that a small confluence of events has caused a series of minor annoyances in my life that caused me to become frustrated and slightly inconvenienced. There really isn't any blame, and there are times when there is no blame to be assigned.
Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens. There are times blame can be assigned and times when shit just happens man. Accept it and move on, don't dwell on it the whole freakin day and night and blog about it for over an hour.
It's not all about you.
Get a grip.
Take a moment.
Take a breath.
Revel in the fact that you are blessed with a brain, a heart, and someone to share them with. Get up from the chair, go to the gym, and go have dinner with your love.
Do that which you have waited for all week. Hold her, talk to her, listen to her, and most important of all...
stop yelling.
And
Wisdom to know the difference.
Why can't I just follow this AA mantra?
So enlightened, so logical, so common sensical, so right,
and yet...
so utterly out of my grasp.
Sometimes I reach a level of frustration in my life that is almost comical. If it were actually comical I could laugh about it, but when I even have difficulty with the simple rote task of typing which I've been performing since I was 13 years old, the frustration ceases to elicit laughter.
Time is finite and few things in life can be truly controlled. Yet I insist on continuing my quixotic quest to dispel these universal truths. What was the definition of insanity again?
It's an uphill battle to say the least. The snowball grows rather quickly. It starts with punching in at 8:02 instead of 8:00. Only 2 minutes late, which doesn't seem like much, but there are already people waiting, and ...
I'm not sure who I'm mad at. Myself for leaving my house few minutes late, the slow witted sap who didn't wish to race thru the streets of west L.A. at blazing speeds so that I could make up for the lost time, or the city planner for designing the stupid layout, or Caltrans for the freeway construction or....
And people gotta be social in the morning and say hello and interrupt my train of thought. Don't they realize that I have to concentrate so much just to get by? Don't they realize that I can't walk and chew gum at the same time, especially in the morning?
I don't want to talk, but that's socially unacceptable. Why can't I just tell them to fuck off and leave me alone for 5 minutes? This dance, this routine we do every freakin' day of our lives. Why? Social convention, civility, common courtesy, the golden rule, etc etc etc...
During my painstaking efforts to make my environs "comfortable", I often neglect and take for granted all that is RIGHT around me. And when I am confronted with a novel situation, I am caught unprepared for the lack of that which was "RIGHT" before. And God forbid, if an unforeseen circumstance should happen to arise within this novel and disordered realm. Lack of counter space, small confines, long sleeve shirt, a ringing and distracting cell phone, the spilt syrupy liquid (how am I gonna clean that up and keep the chicken from burning), the ...
And I often look for sympathy where none is to be found or rather should be found. This, too, I find disturbing on many levels. The first level is the perceived utter lack of reciprocity. Damn it, I should be constantly humored and never offered sage pragmatic advice. I mean that just adds fuel to the fire.
But the true disturbance occurs after realizing how egocentric I can be. Oh to be so incredibly self absorbed with my own trivial suffering that I neglect the true profound suffering of those I expect to humor me. This self absorption reaches such bold heights that I project my ill conceived notions onto the person to whom I have just turned for sympathy and who is trying her best to make me feel good. Now SHE is the one who is self absorbed and at fault.
The level of delusion required to pull off this magnificent feat is incomprehensible. It's like a business executive looking at a pauper with contempt and saying disdainfully, "I can't believe he's so concerned with not starving that he's begging for money to eat instead of sympathizing with me in my hour of need. I mean I just lost a 7 figure client to a rookie. How gauche!"
To be that out of touch with reality, to be so narrow mindedly obsessed about that which causes me immense frustration and throws my entire grasp of sanity and reality into disarray...
My blood pressure must be thru the roof right now.
I don't want to be that guy. The guy who is so oblivious as to scream incredulously at the top of his lungs: "I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!"
It is what it is...
But perhaps the saddest thing is that I DO SEE the absurdity in how I feel, and in my reactions and I still can't seem to be able to do anything about it. It's like an accident waiting to happen. You know, like those blooper videos where you are watching someone perilously perched atop a step stool leaning over and reaching for something and you know, you absolutely know this is not going to end good and despite knowing your television only accommodates a one way flow of information, you can't help but yell at the screen to warn the poor sap to stop for he is about to fall flat on his face.
Imagine if you are the poor sap you are watching on the tv screen, and you are going to fall and you know there's nothing to be done about it. Brace for the fall, cause you're gonna fall and you see it coming a mile away and you still can't do anything about it.
It's like being paralyzed and in pain at the same time. Experiencing discomfort yet powerless to do anything about it.
But being a victim can be doubly hard, when I realize that I really am not a victim in any way shape or form. I mean when I KNOW it's not even close. Nothing has wronged me in any significant or life altering way. All that is happened is that a small confluence of events has caused a series of minor annoyances in my life that caused me to become frustrated and slightly inconvenienced. There really isn't any blame, and there are times when there is no blame to be assigned.
Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens. There are times blame can be assigned and times when shit just happens man. Accept it and move on, don't dwell on it the whole freakin day and night and blog about it for over an hour.
It's not all about you.
Get a grip.
Take a moment.
Take a breath.
Revel in the fact that you are blessed with a brain, a heart, and someone to share them with. Get up from the chair, go to the gym, and go have dinner with your love.
Do that which you have waited for all week. Hold her, talk to her, listen to her, and most important of all...
stop yelling.
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