Everything She Wants

She's either evil or she's two years old. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

-Law & Order

Promises, Promises...

I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.

-The Office

Theft

She stole my idea before I'd thought of it?

-Stephen Colbert

My Not So Subtle Spiraling Descent Into Madness

Oh! Why do my actions have consequences?

-Homer Simpson

Bare Necesseties

You'd be surprised what you can live without.

-House

Disdain

My cup runneth over with disdain!

Respect

I respect you too much to respect your ridiculous beliefs.

-Johann Hari

Who Is Your Worm Guy?

I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke.

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy. But...

-The Office

Wisely Choose Your Path

I'm gonna choose not to misinterpret that.

-Dexter

Haunted

One need not be a chamber to be haunted, one need not to be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.

-Emily Dickinson

Cheerful Desolation

'Is that all you've got old man?' as you shake your fist at God.

-Stephen Colbert

Isolation Fosters Depression

Lately the closest to happiness I get is when I'm coughing so hard that I lose a few breaths. My dissociative oxygen deprived brain welcomes the soothing touch of pins and needles. And as I come closer to losing consciousness I feel eerily free. Free from the burdens of civil society. From the desperate clutches of comity and free from the reflexive song and dance. Such freedom in my life is rare indeed.

For far too fleeting a moment, my life hangs in the balance, between reality and fantasy, misery and bliss. Just for a second or two, but who really knows. Hypoxia does tend to hinder one's perception of time.

Paradox Personified

She wants to hold on to her secret and I'm going to respect that. It seems only fair given the secrets I keep from her. We all have secrets. In that way, I'm just like everyone else-- sorta.

All my previous attempts at human connection have ended in… well death.

-Dexter

More Palatable Indeed!

Family man, husband, and father. Sounds so...upstanding, harmless...Much better than 'lives alone, keeps to himself'.


To be a brother, to have a friend, to have a wife, a family...But if you play a role long enough, really commit, does it ever become real? Could I become real?

My life has always felt like... an unanswered question. A string of days and nights waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what...Rita, we're connected. Wherever I am, I feel you and the kids, with me. You're what makes me real. I want us to always go out for banana splits, and replant the lemon tree that keeps dying, and I never ever wanna miss a pizza night, and that's how I know I want to marry you, because something as simple as pizza night is the highlight of my week.

Most actors toil in obscurity never stepping into the spotlight. But if you hone your craft, work diligently, you might just find yourself cast in the role of a lifetime.

-Dexter

Good Dog

"So, I'm happily divorced...

She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio.

And I did ...

and I'll tell you why.

When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point where you're having a lot of sex in the relationship. So you sign the papers saying 'I'll only have sex with you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, fucking ever.' Well if that person, for whatever reason, stops having sex altogether... why you find yourself in quite a pickle!

I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as a real dog.

I'll tell you what happened, too. I was in Columbus, Ohio. I hadn't been laid in three months. Three months. You can't go three months without having sex with me or I'll go find someone else. I know cause I've seen me do it."

-Ron White

Who Am I to Judge?

I'm just saying if you don't thin the herd then the poor people are going to overgraze.

Thank goodness my community is already organized, by a big gate!

-The Colbert Report

Poetry In Motion

The right words, in the right order, read by the right man. They move your soul.

-Law and Order: Criminal Intent

Sacrifice

The perfect amount of sacrifice is someone else's.

-The Colbert Report

Rock Me Like A Hurricane

It must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from THAT tree!

-Frasier

The Most Coveted Demographic...

Perhaps my ouster from membership is to blame for this.

Technically It Was the Condom that Was Cheating

My current lifestyle is unsustainable.

Risk Averse To A Fault

"In regione caecorum rex est luscus."

"In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king."

- Erasmus

Cupid's Sparrow

-She could be your soul mate.

-Oh, not likely. Three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.

-The Office

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

-I'm not suggesting that like our patient you’re hiding a dark sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness.

-I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to YOU.

-Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice. No, I'm suggesting that you have no core. You're what whoever you’re with needs you to be. OK, I guess that could be insulting. The interesting question is why? Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it?

-House

Look at the Stars, Look How They Shine for You

No beam sheds so bright a light on my negativity as that which accompanies my realization of just how eternally dismissive I can be.

If You Build It, He Will Come

The cemeteries of the world are full of indispensable men.

-Charles de Gaulle

Blind Faith

Saturday Night Fever

So here I am again, yet another in the ceaseless lonely Saturday nights. Alone, drunk, and watching a cartoon. I feel like I'm at a crucial turning point in my life. I wish I could just say fuck it and move on, muddle through as it were. But alas that seems a dream out of my grasp. Am I destined to be alone for all my existence? Must I seek refuge in the arms of intoxication for the rest of my life?

So fucking anal! I can't even get these thoughts down without hitting the fucking backspace key every few strokes! It’s not like I can’t go back and edit later, but somehow I can't escape the compulsion of the backspace key. I wish life had a backspace key. But then again would I do something constructive with it? Or would I just continue the same non productive patterns of behavior? Why can't I just be normal? Yeah there is no "normal," but damn it for just once in my fucking useless existence I wish to be "normal,” Normal! There goes that damn backspace key!

Yeah I’m drunk, so my typing skills leave a lot to be desired. But come on! Muddle through. Forget the backspace key just for one fucking second!!!!!!!!!! You can edit later. The devil’s in the details, it's almost reflexive. Light headed escape from reality, sure I gave up one addiction, but now I've found another to supplement the one I've had all my life, the comfort, the satiety that provides me an all too ephemeral respite from the self induced torture. Why do I write? Why? That damn backspace key again, a compulsion I just can't fucking shake!

At least in a dream world I'm happy and content. MLP's character gets me, but even then I'm not satisfied. I'm still anxious and looking for answers. I can't even enjoy myself in a good dream, even when that's the best I've felt in a long time. Even in blissful enjoyment I can't be truly content. Even in the realm of fantasy I'm anxious. How long can I go on battling my personal demons? Boy that question mark is in an inopportune place. Who designed this QWERTY keyboard anyway? Something about not making the manual keyboard jam. Yes I'm drunk, but at least in this state of stupor I can sort of escape the grim realties of my fucked up life. I wish I could end it, I really do. But I know from experience I don't have the balls for that.

I've never had the balls, that's basically the problem isn’t it? Never having “the balls?” When the push came to shove, I just didn't have the balls to do it. I've taken some risks in my life to be sure. REM, now that took some balls, asking out the super cute blonde dream girl. What the fuck was I thinking? Now she's married, with two gorgeous kids, and I'm alone, again on a Saturday night. Alone, drunk, and watching Superman.

Jesus! I'm 35 fucking years old! 35, when am I going to grow up? When am I going to let go of the unattainable fantasies? When am I going to burry the skeletons in the closet and stop feeling sorry for myself? If only I could cry and sleep the sleep of the righteous. If only I could "just do it!" Ok that's enough now. Time to spell check...