Something About Us

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway
I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you
I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

-Daft Punk

For Better Or Worse...

things have a tendency to work themselves out.

Waking up alone sucks!

And a bloody good morning to you too!

Perhaps I should try this approach

or try not to be insane

and remind myself of this more often

but then again ...

Originally posted on 10/25/2005 @ 8:32 a.m.

Funny how things change...

Strangelove

There'll be times
When my crimes
Will seem almost unforgivable
I give in to sin
Because you have to make this life livable
But when you think I've had enough
From your sea of love
I'll take more than another riverfull
And I'll make it all worthwhile
I'll make your heart smile

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me
Will you take the pain
I will give it to you
Again and again
And will you return it

There'll be days
When I'll stray
I may appear to be
Constantly out of reach
I give in to sin
Because I like to practice what I preach
I'm not trying to say
I'll have it all my way
I'm always willing to learn
When you've got something to teach
And I'll make it all worthwhile
I'll make your heart smile

Pain will you return it
I'll say it again -- pain
Pain will you return it
I won't say it again

Strangelove
Strange highs and strange lows
Strangelove
That's how my love goes
Strangelove
Will you give it to me

I give in
Again and again
I give in
will you give it to me
I give in
I'll say it again
I give in

I give in
Again and again
I give in
That's how my love goes
I give in
I'll say it again
I give in

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Common Sense? Not really all that common after all...

The car has crashed, flipped over in the middle of a two lane highway. You're lying in your seat, upside down, dangling in the seatbelt and instead of thinking about how to get out to safety, all you can think is "How did I end up here?" and "How could I've avoided the crash?"

It seems like a very counterintuitive response, but seems to happen with astonishing regularity.

Gotta disengage the seatbelt any way I can, drag myself out, get medical attention, try to get someone to move the car from the middle of the road ...

Get out of the car

Get out of the car

Get out of the car

Worry about the rest when out of the car

Nothing else matters if the ABC's aren't there. Airway Breathing Circulation. If you ain't got these three, there's no point sweating other shit...

Get out of the car instead of worrying about why or how the car flipped over, how much it's going to cost to fix/replace, how to avoid future such crashes, how you're gonna explain it, how it's gonna make so and so feel....

Get out first

Nothing else matters without the ABC's...

Get Out!

We Care A Lot

He for whom has not been cared is obliged to care for himself.

When Harry Met Sally

Harry: Ooo, Ingrid Bergman, now she's low maintenance.

Sally: Low maintenance?

Harry: There are two kinds of women. High maintenance and low maintenance.

Sally: And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

Harry: In LM, definitely.

Sally: Which one am I?

Harry: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

Sally: I don't see that.

Harry: You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the Balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the Salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce, on the side. On the side is a very big thing for you.

Sally: Well I just want it the way I want it.

Harry: I know. High maintenance.

Shut Up Just Shut Up Shut Up Shut It Up Just Shut Up

Why are people so fucking loud?

And why do they talk so fucking much?

Heaven help us all...

Results Matter

I will try to concentrate less on my wants and more on my needs. Hopefully the rest will follow.

Leaving something unsaid...

may lead to a permanent misunderstanding.

I enjoy the company of like minded individuals

Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

Courage to change the things I can,
And
Wisdom to know the difference.

Why can't I just follow this AA mantra?

So enlightened, so logical, so common sensical, so right,

and yet...

so utterly out of my grasp.

Sometimes I reach a level of frustration in my life that is almost comical. If it were actually comical I could laugh about it, but when I even have difficulty with the simple rote task of typing which I've been performing since I was 13 years old, the frustration ceases to elicit laughter.

Time is finite and few things in life can be truly controlled. Yet I insist on continuing my quixotic quest to dispel these universal truths. What was the definition of insanity again?

It's an uphill battle to say the least. The snowball grows rather quickly. It starts with punching in at 8:02 instead of 8:00. Only 2 minutes late, which doesn't seem like much, but there are already people waiting, and ...

I'm not sure who I'm mad at. Myself for leaving my house few minutes late, the slow witted sap who didn't wish to race thru the streets of west L.A. at blazing speeds so that I could make up for the lost time, or the city planner for designing the stupid layout, or Caltrans for the freeway construction or....

And people gotta be social in the morning and say hello and interrupt my train of thought. Don't they realize that I have to concentrate so much just to get by? Don't they realize that I can't walk and chew gum at the same time, especially in the morning?

I don't want to talk, but that's socially unacceptable. Why can't I just tell them to fuck off and leave me alone for 5 minutes? This dance, this routine we do every freakin' day of our lives. Why? Social convention, civility, common courtesy, the golden rule, etc etc etc...

During my painstaking efforts to make my environs "comfortable", I often neglect and take for granted all that is RIGHT around me. And when I am confronted with a novel situation, I am caught unprepared for the lack of that which was "RIGHT" before. And God forbid, if an unforeseen circumstance should happen to arise within this novel and disordered realm. Lack of counter space, small confines, long sleeve shirt, a ringing and distracting cell phone, the spilt syrupy liquid (how am I gonna clean that up and keep the chicken from burning), the ...

And I often look for sympathy where none is to be found or rather should be found. This, too, I find disturbing on many levels. The first level is the perceived utter lack of reciprocity. Damn it, I should be constantly humored and never offered sage pragmatic advice. I mean that just adds fuel to the fire.

But the true disturbance occurs after realizing how egocentric I can be. Oh to be so incredibly self absorbed with my own trivial suffering that I neglect the true profound suffering of those I expect to humor me. This self absorption reaches such bold heights that I project my ill conceived notions onto the person to whom I have just turned for sympathy and who is trying her best to make me feel good. Now SHE is the one who is self absorbed and at fault.

The level of delusion required to pull off this magnificent feat is incomprehensible. It's like a business executive looking at a pauper with contempt and saying disdainfully, "I can't believe he's so concerned with not starving that he's begging for money to eat instead of sympathizing with me in my hour of need. I mean I just lost a 7 figure client to a rookie. How gauche!"

To be that out of touch with reality, to be so narrow mindedly obsessed about that which causes me immense frustration and throws my entire grasp of sanity and reality into disarray...

My blood pressure must be thru the roof right now.

I don't want to be that guy. The guy who is so oblivious as to scream incredulously at the top of his lungs: "I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!"

It is what it is...

But perhaps the saddest thing is that I DO SEE the absurdity in how I feel, and in my reactions and I still can't seem to be able to do anything about it. It's like an accident waiting to happen. You know, like those blooper videos where you are watching someone perilously perched atop a step stool leaning over and reaching for something and you know, you absolutely know this is not going to end good and despite knowing your television only accommodates a one way flow of information, you can't help but yell at the screen to warn the poor sap to stop for he is about to fall flat on his face.

Imagine if you are the poor sap you are watching on the tv screen, and you are going to fall and you know there's nothing to be done about it. Brace for the fall, cause you're gonna fall and you see it coming a mile away and you still can't do anything about it.

It's like being paralyzed and in pain at the same time. Experiencing discomfort yet powerless to do anything about it.

But being a victim can be doubly hard, when I realize that I really am not a victim in any way shape or form. I mean when I KNOW it's not even close. Nothing has wronged me in any significant or life altering way. All that is happened is that a small confluence of events has caused a series of minor annoyances in my life that caused me to become frustrated and slightly inconvenienced. There really isn't any blame, and there are times when there is no blame to be assigned.

Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens. There are times blame can be assigned and times when shit just happens man. Accept it and move on, don't dwell on it the whole freakin day and night and blog about it for over an hour.

It's not all about you.

Get a grip.

Take a moment.

Take a breath.

Revel in the fact that you are blessed with a brain, a heart, and someone to share them with. Get up from the chair, go to the gym, and go have dinner with your love.

Do that which you have waited for all week. Hold her, talk to her, listen to her, and most important of all...



stop yelling.

This Above All; To Thine Own Self Be True

Impossible!

“When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains--however improbable--must be the truth.”

-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Hard to remember, impossible to forget

Leave it to Cameron Crowe to make another heart warming masterpiece. I truly envy genius. Here's a partial Crowe filmography:

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Say Anything
Singles
Jerry Maguire
Almost Famous
Vanilla Sky
and my newest favorite with quotes to die for Elizabethtown

Thanks for reminding me that there is still some unpolluted water left on Earth.

How full is your glass today?

"Life in itself is an empty canvas, it becomes whatsoever you paint on it. You can paint misery, you can paint bliss. This freedom is your glory."

-From Osho

One of my favorite cartoons of all time depicts a couple sitting in a bar looking at a partially filled glass of water and the caption reads "It's half full, but the water is probably polluted". I never thought my pessimistic idealism could be so accurately portrayed. So how pure is the water filling your glass today?

And to bleed willingly and joyfully

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you ...

For love is sufficient unto love ...

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself ...


To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.


-Excerpted from "On Love" from "The Prophet" by Kahil Gibr

Thank you my love for making my life so livable.

"You expand my heart"

Ditto

Mind Blowing Sex

Last night I discovered that in the wrong hands, flash photography and magazine articles can be quite effective weapons.

This morning I realized that I abhor "aesthetically challenged" people who are bitchy. If I have the misfortune of having to converse with one, whose parents obviously lost a bet with God, the least she can do is have a pleasant demeanor to offset the disfigurement cast upon her "face." It's not my fault nature dealt her the ugly gene, but considering I am willing to acknowledge her presence and speak with her, despite the gross malformity that lies above her torso, she should extend the small courtesy of being cordial towards me.

Black Celebration

Let's have a black celebration
Black celebration
Tonight

To celebrate the fact
That we've seen the back
Of another black day

I look to you
How you carry on
When all hope is gone
Can't you see

Your optimistic eyes
Seem like paradise
To someone like
Me

I want to take you
In my arms
Forgetting all I couldn't do today

Black celebration
Black celebration
Tonight

To celebrate the fact
That we've seen the back
Of another black day

I look to you
And your strong belief
Me, I want relief
Tonight

Consolation
I want so much
Want to feel your touch
Tonight

Take me in your arms
Forgetting all you couldn't do today

Black celebration
I'll drink to that
Black celebration
Tonight

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Blasphemous Rumours

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Sounds Of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
’neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out it’s warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, the words of the prophets

Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper’d in the sounds of silence.

-Simon & Garfunkel (Paul Simon)

But Not Tonight

Oh God, it's raining
But I'm not complaining
It's filling me up
With new life ...

And I haven't felt so alive
In years

Just for a day
On a day like today
I'll get away from this
Constant debauchery

Oh God, it's raining
And I'm not containing
My pleasure at being
So wet ...

The moon
Is shining in the sky
Reminding me
Of so many other nights
When my eyes have been so red
I've been mistaken for dead
But not tonight

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Nonfat Mayo is NOT Mayo ...

Can't Fight This Feeling

Cause I feel so secure when we’re together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I’m keeping you in sight
You’re a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter’s night
And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might ...

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I’ve been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I’m following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone I’d never find

-REO Speedwagon (Kevin Cronin)

Here Is The House

Here is the house
Where it all happens
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And is it happens
It happens here in this house

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home
And there's someone
Calling on the telephone
Let's stay home
It's cold outside
And I have so much
To confide to you

With or without words
I'll confide everything ...

So we stay at home
And I'm by your side
And you know
What's going on inside
Inside my heart
Inside this house
And I just want to
Let it out for you

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home ...

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Wish You Were Here

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year ...

-Pink Floyd (Roger Waters)

Everyone likes to talk, few are willing to listen

Often despite our best efforts reality cannot be altered. But every once in a while reality can be unexpectedly enchanting.

Paint It Black

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

-Rolling Stones (M. Jagger/K. Richards)

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

"YOU ARE A PRACTICAL PERSON WITH YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND"

Oh, ... fortune teller how well you know me!

It's Not So Bad

Sitting conspicuously alone on the sands of Point Dume at dusk, I couldn't help but be bemused by the chorus of "It's not so bad" blaring from my headphones. Over and over again, Dido's sampled angelic voice singing "It's not so bad..... It's not so bad..."

-I'm alone ...

"It's not so bad...."

-I'm broke ...

"It's not so bad ..."

-LLS

"It's not so bad ..."

And as the crimson sun gently kissed the western horizon, transforming the once azure sky into an amethyst tableau, I felt for a brief second, that it really wasn't so bad.

A Question of Time

Sometimes I don't blame them
For wanting you
You look good
And they need something to do
Until I look at you
And then I condemn them
I know my kind
What goes on in our minds

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Obsession

You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

-Animotion (Holly Knight/Michael Desbarres)

Time to get up off the mat

As I sipped an overpriced beer atop a Pacific lounge crowded by the "beautiful" L.A. people, I felt like a cowering ant lost amongst a forest of giants. And then I began to wonder why I felt so out of place. Was it the reflection of twilight off their glowing skin, their picture perfect bodies and outfits, or the confidence and arrogance with which they beamed?

Get The Balance Right

There's more besides joyrides
Little house in the countryside
Understand, learn to demand,
Compromise, sometimes lie

Get the balance right, get the balance right ...

But always remain ultimately selfish ...

You think you've got a hold of it all
You haven't got a hold at all
When you reach the top, get ready to drop
Prepare yourself for the fall, you're gonna fall

It's almost predictable

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

Sometimes a little flash is what's required

I was going over some of the blog entries and I noticed many, if not all, have a hauntingly dark tone to them. Chalk it up to years of listening to Depeche Mode.

But this morning I woke up with a rather sunny disposition, a rarity in my life to be sure. So to mark this momentous occasion and break the monotony of melancholy, I'm going to link to a friend of mine who exudes sunshine. She's an entirely different kind of leopard.

Time can never mend, The careless whispers of a good friend

A true best friend, I believe, knows when to tell me the truth and when to color it to protect my fragile ego. Above all she is always on my side cheering and rooting for me.

A complicated juggling act, but that's what friends do.

Even when you fall on your face due to your own carelessness, a friend should first pick you up, dust you off, and embrace you as you sob. He should never kick you when you're down by admonishing you for your stupidity. There's plenty of time for that later.

It is when these closest of friends disappoint, that love turns to anger. The ultimate test of the friendship, however, is if it survives the anger and turns into acceptance and resolution.

There's that magic word again, acceptance.

Love My Way

You can never win or lose
If you don't
Run the race

-Psychedelic Furs (Richard Butler)

The Things You Said

I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
They know my weaknesses
I never denied them ...

How can a view become so twisted ...

I get so carried away
You brought me down to earth
I thought we had something precious
Now I know what it's worth ...

I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I've never felt so disappointed
Never felt so disappointed

They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
Thought that you liked them

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

It is what it is

Now I've got things to do
You have too
And I've got to be me
You've got to be you

"Stories of Old"
-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

To err is human

"Guess what? Mistakes are gonna be made. Minimize them, fix them, move on."

-The West Wing

I know how this movie ends

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

It is in fact a psychological defense mechanism in which a person faced with a fact that is uncomfortable or painful to accept, rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true DESPITE overwhelming evidence.

I KNOW THIS.

But knowledge and acceptance are two distinctly different notions.

As I see it, first comes denial, then comes knowledge, then you get drawn and quartered by a horse drawn carriage.

And only when one has suffered through the ravages of knowledge for a seemingly interminable amount of time, does a speck of light in the form of acceptance pierce through the dark clouds of despair.

This, too, I KNOW.

But awareness, while helpful in short term rationalization and long term coping, does not cushion the blow when the sweet taste of denial turns to bitter reality.

Shin Mei Lo

"I don't need any more friends to complicate my life"

You gotta hand it to her that's a great line, there's no comeback for that one, absolutely none. Game, set, match!

Compulsion

Charms in limited supply
And refusing to stretch...

How many times must it be said
There's no plan
It had to happen
Got to move on sometime
And it's about time
By putting one foot in front of another
And repeating the process

-Martin L. Gore (Joe Crow)

The Naked Apes

To quell my boredom during a lull at work, I yet again pondered my inner psyche and googled "unique properties human brain". The first page that popped up was a masterfully written paper titled "What makes us so singularly human?" by Silvia Helena Cardoso & Renato M.E. Sabbatini, the salient points of which I have excerpted here.

... we can say that our uniqueness lies in our (enormous) brain. It is by means of this huge (brain) that we possess high levels of synthetic analysis. It is there that our worldview is analyzed, planned and programmed to carry out actions and thoughts.

... we gradually developed self-control, that is, the capacity to modify any social behavior, even an instinctive one, in order to make it more useful to our survival.

The more disciplined we are, the more capable of self-control and of planning, the more our rational mind will be able to dominate the emotional and instinctive minds, the more human we will be.

Therefore, human species also has the singular capacity of controlling the emotional brain by means of the rational brain.

Many philosophers even doubt the possibility of one day the brain understanding itself. Maybe the structural and functional complexity of our brain is so huge that we may never be able to grasp it.

A person who ponders about this knows that somehow, life is incomprehensible.

Given my past indiscretions due to lack of discipline, need I now question my humanity? And will I be better served if I abort my quest to understand the incomprehensible?

Let's go to bed

But I don't care if you don't
And I don't feel if you don't
And I don't want it if you don't
And I won't play it
If you don't play it first

-The Cure (Robert Smith)

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled...

As I sit alone in front of my talking picture box eating cold spaghetti and store bought sauce, I wonder about the virtues of the path not taken.

The quixotic quest for reciprocity

Many times in my life I've FELT like I've been shortchanged by my acquaintances. Whether it's truly a lack of reciprocity, unrealistic expectations, a chip on my insecure shoulder, or a combination thereof, these feelings lend credence to my perception that life is a miserable chess match and I lost my queen shortly after birth.

Great Expectations

As I am broke and everyone I know (except the folks) was either busy with their own life or unreachable, I had a lot of free time to "think" this weekend . "Thinking" for me is not such a good thing. It just reminds me of the harsh realities I'd just as soon forget.

BTW (by the way) is anyone these days truly "unreachable"? I mean with the cell phone, voice mail, email, text and im's, if someone REALLY wanted to (and knew how to go about it) reach me, he could.

So I don't think it's so much a matter of being unreachable than it is a matter of choosing to ignore those who are actively trying to reach you.

I've tried dropping out of society a couple of times and it was very very difficult, darn near impossible. Often my life is far less complicated when I keep people out of it, but it's also far less interesting. Of course this time around I'm not really actively keeping people out, they're doing a fine job of it themselves.

So the delicate balancing act continues as I keep people in their proper orbit, ensuring they remain within grasp, yet not so close as to crash and burn.

Everyone needs a place to crash

Don't Sweat the Technique

"Quando dio vuole castigarci ci manda quello che desideriamo." -


"When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers."

To be, or not to be

Intoxicated. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to face a lonely existence with sobriety or to seek a momentary refuge in the arms of temptation.

To sleep perchance to dream ...

To escape ...

To forget ...

To the end....................

Dear Mr. Fantasy

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to be grateful for what I have. Instead, I yearn for what I lack, as I wallow in pity and obsessively ruminate within the confines of my suffocating cocoon.

An intelligent being blessed with the powers of common sense and reason might confront life's many challenges through realistic pragmatism. I, however, have chosen to remain complacent, isolated from reality and foolishly seeking asylum in escapist fantasies.

Solitude

"When they are alone they want to be with others, and when they are with others they want to be alone. After all, human beings are like that."

Nice to know I'm human...

Lie To Me

Come on and lay with me
Come on and lie to me
Tell me you love me
Say I'm the only one ...

So lie to me
But do it with sincerity
Make me listen
Just for a minute
Make me think
There's some truth in it

-Depeche Mode (Martin Lee Gore)

I Wanna Be Adored

I don't have to sell my soul
he's already in me
I don't need to sell my soul
he's already in me

I wanna be adored
I wanna be adored...

You adore me
You adore me
You adore me

-Stone Roses (John Squire/Ian Brown )

Patience is a virtue

Solitude, whether perceived in a drunken stupor, or real leaves a lot to be desired. That ephemeral glance from afar into the "idealized" life doesn't help matters much either. Voyeuristic knowledge can be cataclysmic, but sometimes obsession requires knowledge. Is it better to be depressed by bad news, than to have no news at all? Is it better to be in control and all alone or give up control and have company? Either way I lose. I despise "happy" people, but is it really hate

... or just envy?

LLS

Love and Life Sucks!

That's the acronym I used back in the day to express my dismay at the miserable world that surrounded me. Funny how in 15 years little has changed. It seems that the more I come into contact with college aged people, the more miserable I get. In them I see an unbridled enthusiasm, almost a refreshing naivete about how fragile the life constructed around them is.

Part of me is critical, but a bigger part of me is envious, longing for the days when I WAS bulletproof and the future offered a promise to divert my attention from a miserable present. Now I don't even have that. The future is gonna suck as much as the present and I seem powerless to do anything about it. I hope that I am NOT powerless and it only seems that way. We shall see.

The Pink Elephant Sitting in the Middle of the Room

Shall at long last be addressed.

Pro vs. Re ACTIVE

OK so I've decided to be proactive and actively find someone to date instead of sitting on my ass and waiting for something to magically drop into my lap. Per usual I will progress at the rate of molasses rolling down a shallow hill, but any progress is better than none.

Past success does not guarantee future results

Nor do past failures necessitate future disappointments.

"Girls can be so dumb!"

A female friend of mine said under her breath.

FREEDOM ...

is divine.

Don't count your chickens...

before they hatch. Trust me on this one.

If you put all your eggs in one basket and throw the basket off a ten story building, then you have to start collecting new eggs and hopefully more baskets.

Nicely Done!©

Ok, so I'm tryin' to find a place to live and my questionable credit past is catching up with me. Kind of putting a damper on the whole new perspective on life thing. But I shall keep chugging on like the little Shag that could.

I'm also gonna for the first time announce the name of my future business venture, "Nicely Done!". It shall be a pleasant lounge where one can hang out, eat a little somethin', drink a little somethin', chill with some friends, and listen to some good tunes. Think nice comfy warm couch meets tropical island lounge with a shot of downtempo beats.

Mitch Hedberg, RIP

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless." M.H.

Lost in the shuffle of news coverage over the death of Teri Schiavo and the imminent death of the Pope, was the passing of a brilliant comic genius, Mitch Hedberg. See for yourself.

Some more words of wisdom from the master.

That's freaky I just checked out his website a couple of days ago to see if he was coming to town. He will not be forgotten.

GOD Vs. 3 Headed Dragon

On Easter Sunday, a close acquaintance of mine eloquently and skillfully framed the philosophical discussion of religion as only a lawyer could. He said the existence of "GOD" for him is somewhat analagous to the existence of a 3 headed dragon, i.e. though one cannot with absolute certainty disclaim the existence of a 3 headed dragon, one can reasonably assume that such a creature does not exist.

He later said that religion serves to fill in the gaps in our scientfic knowledge base, to which I replied, it also serves to establish and maintain social order, especially when reason and common sense elude the masses.

Sometimes you have to destroy ...

before you can create.

Row your own boat...

That's what one of my aunts always says. It's basically her way of saying we should mind our own businesses and worry about our own lives, or boats as the case maybe, which is extremely ironic considering she herself rarely follows that sage advice. Lately I'm finding this particular task difficult to accomplish. I guess it's easier to contemplate others' lives than to confront the shortcomings of my own.

I've also come to accept that life is a series of controlled lottery contests. Here's hoping I win a big one soon.

Cherophobia - Fear of Happiness

Maybe that's what I have. The reason I'm so morose and cynical, forever the idealistic pessimist. I was just telling someone today:

... sometimes I think I'll never be that (content) because my comfort zone requires some element of misery and despair, like I could be content, but if I were I wouldn't be comfortable; as if I was wearing itchy underwear :-D. I mean can you be truly happy wearing itchy underwear? I don't think I could.

Since I'm not a farmer ...

and science has blessed us with the gift of readily available electricity throughout the day, why in the world do I have to wake up in the early morning? No conceivable reason (other than tradition and the diurnal circadian rhythm of over 98% of the population). I am so not a morning person.

You will never live ...

if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Maybe it's the Rebecca weather, the proximity of VD, or the ephermeral glimpse into an idealized life viewed from afar; or perhaps the single, unoccupied, weekend bed... or maybe I was just born this way. Whatever the reason, melancholy has yet again reared its ugly head.

Even "Ice-T" , "Dr. Dre", and "Peyton" serve only as reminders of an incessant solitude.

At least I'm working now, and Lucky Charms now comes in chocolate ...

Just because you're hung like a moose...

doesn't mean you have to do porn. So says Kumar, but even he wises up eventually and decides to do the responsible grown up thing.

Which brings me to this broader point:

Slackers aren't stupid, they are just too lazy to do anything about their situation.

or in my case too lazy and fearful. VD is around the corner, but that's a topic for future discussion.

Nostalgia is a seductive liar

Spongebob is resting in peace (I hope). His replacement "Dr. Dre" seems to be enjoying his new digs. Have a job interview next week. We'll see what happens.

I saw a re-run of West Wing tonight which had an unexpectedly profound effect on me. I think I really identified with the Tobey character when his love interest, in her refusal of his marriage proposal, called him sad. I wonder if I'm ever not going to be "sad"...

This Just In: Johnny Carson is dead....

It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.


Seinfeld logic.......

Spongebob is on the verge of death

Well my new experiment is off to a flying start. Spongebob, my fantail goldfish, is fighting for its life. I don't have the heart to euthanize it, but watching it in agony is no bed of roses either. Why a 2 inch fish that I've had less than two months can have such a profound effect on me, while members of my family rarely invoke such feelings of bonding, is a mystery to me.

Spent a little while on Monster to find a job, but it was quite depressing and annoying. But must press on b/c after all the definition of insanity ......

Beyond Heaven Entertainment

"The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results"

Patterns are difficult to break

Gotta be in it to win it

"When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don't repeat it."

Admission is the first step........

I guess it's time to stop the insanity, recognize what I KNOW and follow my own advice. I'm way too smart for voluntary insanity. As the concept of hope is somewhat difficult for a pessimistic malcontent who lacks faith, I'm opting to focus on reason instead. After all logic should be immune to cynisim. We shall see.

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