Not That I'm Complaining...

I love Halloween because women use it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes. You ladies totally do.

'I'm a witch'

...if she was a hooker!

-Jim Gaffigan

Yo, Mike Tirico!

I'd die happy now if you'd just shut the fuck up! Never imagined in a million years I'd be missing Al Michaels on a Monday night!

Game Time!

I mean who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

-The Office

Value

I am the sole owner of my feelings.

The Same Thing We Do Every Night Pinky

Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. That’s why they’re religious people.

-House