"Something Told Me It Was Over"

Sometimes the absence of a picture is worth a 1000 words.

A Moonlit Night in Southern Califonia

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sight more captivating: yep a moonlit night in Malibu, the soft glow of the moon against the backdrop of the light coastal fog, the silvery reflection of shimmering moonlight on the ripples of the gentle Pacific, the soothing tone of the surf caressing the deserted beach; deserted except for the soul whose foot tracks marred the otherwise silky smooth and moist sand. Just an ordinary night for most, but this lost soul thought, rather, felt otherwise. There was something magical, something unreal, something haunting about this place, this time.

Maybe it was the smell of the brisk sea breeze or the thick humid air, which he always seemed to choke on, or perhaps the sad memories it brought to mind. The memory of the girl who had rejected his love, TWICE! But that was nothing new. He was used to rejection. Had grown up with it all of his life. He’d learned from experience, hadn’t he?

“Always plan for everything.”
“Be prepared for anything.”
“If you expect the worst to happen, anything else could only be cause for relief.”
“Build a wall around yourself …if you don’t let anybody in, they can’t hurt you” (but they can’t love you either, a nagging voice in the back of his head reminded).

Rules, rules, and more rules; just part of his compulsive personality; the same personality that forced him to go up a size in jeans every year for as long as he could remember; the same personality that tortured him when people would scoff at “convention” during a friendly game of gin. And oh so many other things that unnerved him so.

What ‘IT’ was he didn’t know, but its effect was only too evident. This late night in August somehow grabbed a hold of his heart and drew him closer into the mist. The moisture against his face felt refreshing, yet numbing at the same time. He began to take notice of his body hair, how odd that it should be standing on end in this warm summer night.

But, everything about this night was odd: The churning feeling in his stomach, the intermittent bursts of cold sweat across his brow, and most of all a discernible increase in his heartbeat. It is said that fat men can sweat even if they are asleep, but he knew from experience this was just an exaggerated old wives’ tale.

No, this feeling had nothing to do with his weight, height, eye color or any other physical feature. It was something embedded deep inside him. A monster it seemed was sick of confinement and wanted out. A monster that would soon get its wish. As if possessed, he walked out to the ocean. He wasn’t happy or sad; truthfully, he didn’t seem to feel any emotion. The time for emotions had come and gone.

Emotions were such useless inefficient things that always got in the way, and he didn’t need any distractions. He gently waded in the surprisingly warm sea. His wet clothes, which probably weighed a ton made no more impression on his skin than did the rough scaly leaves of kelp he’d managed to drag out on his bare limbs. As he made his way toward the horizon, he sliced open the shimmering reflection of moonlight, and just as he’d earlier marred the barren beach sand, he tainted the once perfectly calm water. Soon the soft glow would return to the sea and the depressions in the sand filled. Soon perfection would triumph.

-Originally written 8/5/1993

Money for Nothing

That ain't workin', that's the way you do it,
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free.

-Dire Straits (Gordon Sumner, Mark Knopfler)

Sometimes, There is no "Good"

Conspicuously resistible for as long as I can recall, I've become quite adroit in the art of guilt induction. Unable to attract others on my own merit, I craft emotional scenarios, offering its hapless participants an unholy dilemma:

1. Reject my insufferable advances, "abandon" me, and bear the wrath of unremitting guilt, or

2. Concede to conscience, stay put, and revel in agony.

They may not stay of their own volition, but not leaving for fear of feeling sub-human does afford me acceptable consolation.

I doubt I've consciously adopted this malicious coping strategy, but I do reap its "rewards" and must, therefore, be held accountable.

Why?

... because I cannot help with whom I fall in love.

"Don't Dip Your Pen in the Company Ink"

Why did I not heed such sage advice?

Good Grief!

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Depression
4. Bargaining
5. Acceptance

What If This Is as Good as It Gets?

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?

Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

-"As Good as It Gets"

Rip Off The Freakin' Band Aid Already Will Ya!

How should one take off a band aid?

Fast and quick, right?

In reality, many of us can't bear the brief, intense, requisite pain of expeditiously ripping off a band aid. Rather, we methodically and slowly pull back the flaps off the healing wound and volunteer instead to prolong the interminable dull pain. We do this, for we let our emotions cloud our judgement, and our fear to trump reason.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

So Much for "Think Positive"

Nope, it's gonna take more than just a simple uplifting song to get me through this "Rock Bottom".

The good news, I've been here before, and there's nowhere to go but up.

The bad news, I'm here again.

The worst news, checking out is no longer an option.

Ok time to sleep, must go to work tomorrow, and I think I'm starting to have auditory hallucinations.

The ironic thing is, as much as my heart aches, my brain knows this is for the best.

After all IF we were meant to be, together we shall be.

And if NOT, ...

Well, let's not dwell too much on that for now. Plenty of time for bitter reality later.

For now I'm just gonna replay 9/9 in my head.

Sweet dreams.

I Can See Clearly Now

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all the obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies.

-Johnny Nash

Such Great Heights

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death

-Iron and Wine (B. Gibbard)

We're Not Together

Repeat
Fade

Success Necessitates Failure,

Acceptance necessitates release.