Look Away

When you called me up this mornin'
Told me 'bout the new love you'd found
I said I'm happy for you
I'm really happy for you
Found someone else
I guess I won't be comin' 'round
I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby, whoa-oh

And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be
The way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby
I can take the news okay
But...

If you see me walkin' by
And the tears are in my eyes
Look away, baby, look away
And if we meet on the street someday
And I don't know what to say
Look away, baby, look away
Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me this way

When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That's how it had to be
Yeah, that's how it had to be
I tell you I'm fine
But sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holdin' me
Wish you were still holdin' me, oh, oh

I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn't prepared
To hear those words from you ...

-Chicago (D. Warren)

Violet

And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars were just like little fish ...

When they get what they want, and they never want it again
And they get what they want, and they never want it again
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything, I dare you to
I told you from the start just how this would end

-Hole (C. Love)

Doll Parts

I fake it so real I am beyond fake
And some day you will ache like I ache

-Hole (C. Love)

Last Resort

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide

Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine ...

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin ...

No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils ...

I'm running and I'm crying
Nothings alright, nothing is fine
Cant go on, living this way

-Papa Roach

Crawling

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem ...

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure ...

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

-Linkin Park (Bennington / Bourdon / B. Delson / D. "Phoenix" Farrell / Hahn / M. Shinoda / Wakefield)

T.P.

Quick, what do Shag and toilet paper have in common?

Give up?

We both get shit on and are quite disposable.

Then again, aren't we all expendible?

At This Moment

...Trying to tell me
that you have found you another
and you just don't love me no more

What did you think
I would say at this moment
When I'm faced with the knowledge
That you just don't love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
'cause you just don't love me no more

Did you think
I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you
when darling I love you
and you know
I'd never hurt you-oo-wo-oo...

What do you think
I would give at this moment
If you'd stay
I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I'd fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you
If I, could just hold you

If I could just hold-hold you, again

-Billy Vera & the Beaters

?

Who? What? When? How? Why?

All questions in my head, the answers to which really don't matter. Would it really hurt any less if I knew who she met? How they met? When they met? How old he is? How thin he is? How rich he is?

But the funeral was only ...

Yea but my picture was down ...

But it was really over when I moved out...

If I truly loved her, I'd be genuinely happy for her.

But I don't love. I lack the capacity to love.

I obsess.

The objects of my affection become an all encompassing, all consuming passion that serve to add an ephemeral meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence.

I'm hurt. I'm beyond hurt. I'm psychotically depressed. I'm too devastated to cry. I just have a sinking feeling in my stomach, a feeling I can't shake, a feeling buried deep within. I can FEEL the jagged shards of glass ripping apart my heart.

There have been times when I've been euphoric, chemically induced or otherwise, with a feeling that all is well in the world. This is the exact opposite.

This is the same feeling I had when she confirmed through her puppy dog eyes she was no longer attracted to me.

The same feeling I had when I looked up at her bookcase and saw our picture was gone.

How can she move on with her life as I continue to wallow in self pity. As it turns out she did want a relationship, just not with ME.

Did she ever love me?

Does it matter if she did?

So many questions and so few answers.

How do I deal with the reality that right now, nothing, absolutely nothing, is going to make me feel any better?

How ironic. She's happy. So genuinely happy, that she can't even mask the happiness in her voice.

Discarded like yesterday's news.

My reactions continue to betray me.