Fucking Root Beer

There is something eerily soothing and remarkably cathartic about standing in the middle of one’s kitchen, drenched from head to toe with ice cold sticky root beer, and staring incredulously at the panoramic splash pattern on the walls.

How did I get here?

7:59 a.m.

I realize that I have left behind my ATM card at the machine. Thankfully it has not been used in the interim and I can still make rent next month. Now the replacement is going to take a week to get to me, which means no cash for Shag until then. Considering I only have $40.00 to access in the first place, it’s not that big a deal, but I kind of need that money. But it’s ok, it’s Thursday and I get my DVR today.

11:45 a.m.

I have just finished a Dreamweaver class at work, good deal actually, get to learn something useful and get paid for the time. It’s nice and sunny outside. Life is good. Oh look a message on my cell phone. I wonder what that could be?

… Comcast Cable … overwhelming demand … two weeks…

WHAT?! But I had an appointment, called this in over two months ago, etc. Great add this to the long list of highly anticipated small mercies in my life that did not come to fruition.

12:15 p.m

Woohoo gas is on. I can shower at home again. Oh wait, the heater can’t be turned on because of a missing firebox inspection cover.

9:00 p.m.

Get a call from “significant other”. Suffice it to say it was a very heavy conversation. The previous minor annoyances now only serve to aggravate this much larger tightening noose around my neck.

10:03 p.m.

Ok KFC is now closed. I spent a good 45 minutes over the span of two days coming up with a KFC meal that would fit in my caloric budget, but that won’t happen tonight. Add to the list of minor annoyances weighing down the pink elephant in the room.

10:48 p.m.

Have just spent another 45 minutes trying to come up with a Jack In the Box Meal under 1400 kcal. If I run out the door right now I can make it back in time for The Daily Show and Colbert.

10:52 p.m.

Begin to place my order.

-Hi can I get a medium sized Classic Chicken Ciabatta Sandwich with Curley Fries

-What kind of drink?

-Diet Coke

-Anything Else?

-One Eggroll and one Asian Chicken Salad

-Sorry don’t have any more Asian Chicken Salad

Great, the day just keeps getting better

10:59 p.m.

Have just made it back. Cool I get to watch the Daily Show and salvage the evening. I guess instead of the Asian Chicken Salad I can just have a corndog. Put the corndog in the microwave and as I hear the all too familiar sound of the Daily Show theme in the background I take a sip from my drink.

ROOTBEER!

MOTHERFUCKING ROOTBEER!

Not taking time nor effort to forge a cost benefit analysis and forgetting about Newton’s third law of physics, I raise the large plastic cup of soda in a pitcher’s stance and hurl it with all of my might at the corner of my kitchen sink.

The next few minutes of the evening are a blur. I finally calmed down enough to sit down and eat, but most of the Daily Show did not make it into my consciousness. I was about to say goodbye to a miserable night, when Colbert started going off on bears again.

I laughed and laughed maniacally. Not just a normal laugh, a belly aching, rip roaring, orgasmic, Woody Woodpecker laugh.

It felt good to laugh.
It felt good to not be weighed down.

It felt good to finally let go.

After all colored sugar water is easily removed by warm water.
Good thing my gas is on.