If I could, I’d just lay in bed.

I am avoiding unpleasant tasks, no matter how effortless. Not uncomfortable or physically taxing or mentally painful, no just unpleasant. Even if it’s slightly unpleasant, I’m unwilling to oblige. Like paying a parking ticket, the one I haven’t forgotten about, the one that keeps costing me more money with each passing day, the one below the computer screen at which I’m currently staring, you know the one tucked inside the small white envelope with the red writing on it, THAT ONE! But it’s not just that, more compelling is the ten page paper and the ONE page cover letter yet to be written. It’s the prospect of the four page paper with the ridiculously forgiving and permissive guideline. It’s the gut wrenchingly difficult decision to not reach for the Bic. Now that’s just the easy stuff. The science experiments simmering in the bathroom, kitchen, all around the talking picture box and the twin bed, those take some effort. Not much effort, just relatively long effort. And then the “debt and weight” mountains I fail to climb. Not to mention my constant thirst for validation…

To Socialize and Inform

I learned a while back, that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because, they think that something horrible, has happened.

I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.

Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Please hug and kiss me no matter how hard I struggle. I am too shy to tell you that I love you.

Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash that would be amazing.

-The Office

Crumbs

Fuck, I don't think I have enough bread crumbs to get home!

-Lewis Black

Parrot

I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.

-Star Trek

Just Desserts

-People get what they get! It has nothing to do with what they deserve.

-I gotta do what’s right for me, you’ve gotta do what’s right for you.
-Yeah, but it comes easier for me

-Mind if I come in?
-Not at all. You mind if I leave?

-Actually you should read the psych literature. Repression is gaining a lot of fans. What you don’t face can’t crush you.

-House

Efficiency

Amy: Hello stranger.

Josh: Thought I saw you.

Amy: There was a crowd, didn't want to hover.

Josh: You could've rescued me.

Amy: I decided a few years back that was not an efficient use of my time.

-The West Wing

I Almost Died

Is that my long dormant conscience talking, or the dark passenger whispering?

-Dexter

Relax, Take It Easy

Took a ride to the end of the line
Where no one ever goes
Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know

But the pain and the longing's the same
Where the dying
Now I'm lost and I'm screaming for help

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you

It's as if I'm scared
It's as if I'm terrified
It's as if I scared
It's as if I'm playing with fire

Scared
It's as if I'm terrified
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?
Relax

There is an answer to the darkest times
It's clear we don't understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you
I believe that we're in this together
Don't scream, there are so many roads left

-Mika

La-La La-La-La-La

A bunch of blue shirtless men surrounded by mushrooms, the blond girl that nobody touches. . . That’s not a show, that’s a gay pride parade!

-The Colbert Report

She's In Parties

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own...

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand

-Coldplay (Berryman/Buckland/Champion/Martin)

Blindsided

I'm yet again baffled by melancholy's inevitable and unanticipated return.

Youthful Folly, Jubilance, And High Jinks

-Self-pity isn't like you.

-No, well branching out from self-loathing to self destruction.

-House

Everybody Has Their Breaking Point

No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.

-Christian Nestell Bovee

Apologies

It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.

-The Office

Hope Is For Sissies

-We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated and it's a long way down.

-So you're afraid of change?

-No, you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine that you can escape instead of actually try, because if you fail, then you got nothing. Then you'll give up the chance of something real so that you can hold on to hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies.

-House

Let's All Chant

You can change lanes to get away from Hindus and Buddhists. Because frankly, I don’t want to drive behind someone who believes in reincarnation or is trying to achieve nothingness.

-The Colbert Report

Where Am I Wrong?

I wish the best for them, and their tragically deformed children.

-House

I Got Soul

-'Cause you looked in his eyes, saw his soul, and confronted him in a moment of human honesty?

-The West Wing

Haircut

Getting my hair cut by a marginally cute stylist may be as close to affection as I 'm ever gonna get.

Fearless Leader

-He walks among us, but he is not one of us...

-That's what they say. It's not what they mean.

-Lost

Stop, Collaborate And Listen

I know logically I need to do what I need to do, but often I just want to tell my brain to screw it and… In my delusional violet skied world, I conjure up a gazillion blissful what if scenarios, but then I catch myself and return to “reality,” rather to willful blindness about that which continually gnaws at my soul.

Trauma Can Distort The Memory

I can always see other people's problems more clearly than my own.

-Dexter

Just Another Sad Love Song

A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.

-John Steinbeck

My Cross To Bear

Why can't I just live in blissful ignorance?

The Nightmare Scenario

What if IT isn't the reason?

Sending Out An S.O.S

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me... unless you throw a dictionary at me!

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

Running On Empty

-I'm empty. But I found a way to make it feel less... bottomless.

-How?

-Pretend.

-Dexter

Buyer's Remorse

Today as I snacked a "person of interest" lamented: "awwwww, I wish I liked crappy food."

Here's Your Sign

OK after countless pages detailing how "he's not that into you," how about:

Top Ten Signs That He "Totally" Is Into You

10. He's not gay.
9. Doesn't have a girlfriend.
8. Talks to you more than 30 hours a week.
7. Sees you even more often than that.
6. Never misses an opportunity to tell you how cute you are.
5. Is a "good listener."
4. Doesn't talk to the "fresh meat" at the party.
3. Is enthusiastic about going shopping with you.
2. Makes you a suggestive mix cd.

And the number one sign that he's totally into you...

1. He tells you.

You Can't Handle the Truth!

There are no secrets in life, only hidden truths that lie beneath the surface.

-Dexter

Simply Irresistible

I have this genius of a friend who occasionally sums up my entire existence in one pithy phrase. Here's one I will take to my grave:

"You never could resist a girl in distress."

Decision Tree

Days to decide OR days to decipher?

This Message Will Self-distruct In...

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Not Quite Impressive Enough...

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,

'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.

Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love…
It's me love that you're running from.

- Bob Marley

We're Movin' On Up

24

Would it surprise you to learn I had thought about you today?

Novelty

The direct approach, who'd've thunk it?

Missed It By That Much!

What is it you wish I would say to you?

-Carl Rogers

World In My Eyes

Let me take you on a trip
Around the world and back
And you won't have to move
You just sit still

Now let your mind do the walking
And let my body do the talking
Let me show you the world in my eyes

I'll take you to the highest mountain
To the depths of the deepest sea
We won't need a map, believe me

Now let my body do the moving
And let my hands do the soothing
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can feel now
That's all there is

Let me put you on a ship
On a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips
All the islands in the ocean
All the heaven's in the motion
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can touch now
That's all there is

Let me show you the world in my eyes

-Depeche Mode (Martin L. Gore)

Maybe I Should Take Out An Ad

I Was TOLD This Is A Roast!

If Only

If I had a heart, it would be breaking right now.

-Dexter

I Have "This Friend"... um and...

Heed Our Better Angels

-What does a yellow light mean?

-Slow down.

-What.....does.....a. ....yellow.....light..... mean?

-Slow down!

-WWWhatttt......dddoe ssss....aaa....yyyellloww w...lllighttt...mmmeannn?

-Taxi

Because A Deaf God Ignores Our Pleas

Ok... Now What?

I'm Sure There's a Perfectly Innocuous Reason...

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

KITT: It is widely documented that verbally expressing the root of an emotion can help provide peace of mind. Is that research mistaken?

Sarah: No, it's not.


KITT: That seemed quite irrational.

Mike: You clearly don't know much about women.

-Knight Rider

Bitter, Party of One...?

Exorcising Demons

There comes a time in any boy's life, when he must summon the will to face his greatest fear. Only then can he untether himself from the clutches of anxiety and become a man.

Chchchchanges

People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."

-House

The Sleep of the Just

It might be time to start questioning my sanity when I start quoting Colbert reciting "scripture."

The Hand of God

George: Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand...

George: How do I get the hand?

Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

-Seinfeld

Gravity

Duncan: Hey can I ask you guys a question? Do you think I'm predictable?

Brody: Completely.

James: Totally.

Brody: Even the question was predictable.

-Big Shots