Everywhere Like Such As

Harry boy, I've told you time and again, a man who tells the truth is bound to be found out sooner or later. Try sincerity, that's a virtue. But truth, it's an affliction!

-The Tailor of Panama

Well Tolerated, but not for Everyone

Who knew I had so much in common with Aricept^®?

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

Circle Gets The Square

I feel like there's a chance for me to start over and if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do, then what am I doing?

-The Office

I Want It All

Most people want the same things. Sugar... Salt... Attention.

-Dirty Sexy Money

Insane in the Membrane

Sometimes, for an artist, the only difference between insanity and genius is success.

-Criminal Minds

Take A Bow Conan O'Brien

Guess what I found in Janelle's closet?

What, evidence of the man you used to be?

-Big Shots

This stuff doesn't write itself. We can't wait to get you back WGA.

Tastes Like Chicken

The requisite remedy is seldom palatable.

Dying’s easy. Living’s hard.

You got three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You’ve gone for column D; why? The simple answer is: if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Are you really that simple?

-House

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

A Sunday like this almost makes me wish I had a life.

Milk

I am milk
I am red hot kitchen
And I am cool
Cool as the deep blue ocean

I am lost
So I am cruel
But I'd be love and sweetness
If I had you

I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you

I am weak
But I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home

-Garbage

Smoking or Non?

I was fifteen years old, I remember because I wasn't old enough to drive. I had finally managed to go out with my crush. This adorable California blond, with crystal blue eyes, little turned up nose, and the most precious freckles dotting her sun kissed face, was out on a date with me. Never mind the fact that she was not home when I got there, never mind the fact that she showed up with a couple of friends and it was obvious she had forgotten our "date" and never mind the fact that the four of us crammed into my friend's tiny car to go to lunch. I was actually on a date with perfection.

And then the host asks "smoking or non?" I stood there bewildered as this paragon of beauty and all that was right with the world contemplated her answer. How could she? I felt so betrayed. The girl of my dreams didn't smoke, the girl of my dreams was perfect. How could I be obsessed with a girl who smoked? With one question my divine illusion had been shattered.

It's amazing the extent to which such illusions are self serving. It was as if she, the object of my affection, existed solely to give meaning to my life. A perfect little Barbie doll, whose tacit approval of my advance made my life complete. Yet if she was anything but perfect, what the hell did that make me?

Sending You Forget Me Nots, to Help You to Remember

Looking for some education
Made my way into the night
All that bullshit conversation
Baby can't you read the signs?

I won't bore you with the detail baby
I don't even wannna waste your time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
Some fastlove is all that I've got on my mind..

Looking for some affirmation
Made my way into the sun
My friends got their ladies
They're all having babies
I just wanna have some fun

I won't bore you with the detail baby
You gotta get there in your own sweet time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
Some fastlove is all that I've got on my mind
Get yourself arrested for love

So close
I can taste it now baby
So close

In the absence of security
Made my way into the night
Stupid Cupid keeps on calling me
But I see nothing in his eyes
I miss my baby, oh yeah
I miss my baby tonight
So why don't we make a little room
In my BMW babe
Searchin' for some peace of mind
Hey, I'll help you find it
I do believe that we are practicing the same religion

Oh you really oughta get up now
That's right
Oh you really oughta get up...

Oh yeah....

-George Michael

Not That I'm Complaining...

I love Halloween because women use it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes. You ladies totally do.

'I'm a witch'

...if she was a hooker!

-Jim Gaffigan

Yo, Mike Tirico!

I'd die happy now if you'd just shut the fuck up! Never imagined in a million years I'd be missing Al Michaels on a Monday night!

Game Time!

I mean who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

-The Office

Value

I am the sole owner of my feelings.

The Same Thing We Do Every Night Pinky

Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. That’s why they’re religious people.

-House

Words Indeed

Homer: Oh man that church service was sooooo boring! I did a whole book of find-a-word.

Lisa: Ugh, dad all you circled were the I's and A's!

Homer: Those are words.

-The Simpsons

Twilight Zone

It’s a lot like touching a hot stove. The next time you touch a hot stove it doesn’t burn you.

-Stephen Colbert

No Soup For You!

It's another one of those gloomy autumn days, well by SoCal standards anyway, a bit brisk and cloudy, depressing the living daylights out of me. Even surrounded by my co-workers I feel completely isolated. I can't decipher exactly how these days shine a spotlight on my loneliness, but I feel utterly abandoned. I'm sure the impending weekend doesn't help matters much, not to mention the latest conversation aborted by the five o'clock curfew. It's a kind of day that makes me crave a comforting soup, one I sip curled up under a blanket and in the soothing embrace of my beloved.

Praise the Lord!

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Creed: I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

-The Office

It Wasn't the Outcome We Had Hoped for

And as a man, you don't really gotta talk. You gotta just act like you're talking.

“Get out of here. Go on! I don't believe it...

“You don't say! Really? Get out of here...

“Go on. I don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here...

“I told you that bitch crazy!”

You gotta throw in, “I told you that bitch crazy”, you know why? 'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand.

Women, y'all exaggerate everything. You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like:
“She's trying to destroy me!''

What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's! What's she doing, ripping up your paper?

-Chris Rock

Six Cars and a Motorcycle

As I sit in front my flat screen and the reach for yet another paper wrapped Mexican treat, I can't help but be reminded of that decree. One for each day of the week, I'd say. Now I didn't literally think that would happen, but it never dawned on me that I'd spend my Sundays alone watching men with lives play a game while I reach for my next paper wrapped taco.

Rejection

I can't summon the recall of the last time I rejected.

On Second Thought...

Throughout my life I've resided in many a fantasy world. My current extra terrestrial home is one in which she pines for me as often and as intensely as I for her. One where the daily Solomonic decision to return "home" is a chore of Herculean proportions. But soon this journey, too, shall predictably come to a screeching, gut-wrenching, and jarring halt.

Sunny

On the bright side, one day I shall cease to exist.

To Have and to Hold

After a time, you may find that 'having' is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as 'wanting.' It is not logical, but it is often true.

- Star Trek

Fatigue

It's ok Homie, you're probably just tired from not doing anything all day.

-The Simpsons

Top Ten

Top 10 things overheard in my brain:

10. Great, how much longer is THIS going to take?
9. Can I still wear this?
8. TeVo rules!
7. I should clean up and take out the trash, ...
6. Stewart/Colbert/Olbermann
5. Subway or Carl's?
4. Ooh, cleavage!
3. I got game!
2. No, I don't.

And the number one thing overheard in my brain...

1. Again with this shit?

Today Was a Good Day

Not!

I am not suicidal, I just wish I was never born. There's a difference.

-Monk

Defective

Mine tis a bitter soul.

Love Rollercoaster

Ok, so I'm not completely bummed or depressed at this exact moment, most likely because I'm researching my upcoming road trip. These soul searching trips of mine are definitely a mixed bag. I'm excited about going, but I'm again made painfully aware of my 'single' status. To top it off my future safety wife just got married. It's not like I was really holding my breath waiting for our mutual "if neither one of us is married in 'X' years" pact, but she just became another married friend I won't be hearing from as often as I used to. So even though I'm not completely bummed out, I do feel strange. I'm filled with this nervous energy like there's a loud and brilliant thunderstorm outside. One whose destructive power is eerily mesmerizing and I'm compelled to just stand and watch.

One Michele a Lifetime Is Enough

Higgins begins suggestively:

- An old friend?

- No, I just met her today replies a resigned if not befuddled Magnum. Higgins... I woke up this morning sensing a woman was going to dramatically affect my life and then I met Dianne.

-A properly stern Higgins quips back, forgive me Magnum but you're always meeting women who seem to dramatically affect your life. You apparently hold some attraction for them that I can’t quite fathom other than the obvious primitive, animalistic...

It’s a terribly old cliché, but it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

- No, it’s not.

- Magnum, P.I.

Either Way

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won’t be so afraid
I will understand everything has its plan
Either way

-Wilco (J. Tweedy)

Less Than Zero

A Youthful Indiscretion

I keep thinking as if the solution to my woes can be magically thought out. I continue to think because it's all I know. I haven't really changed from when I was a helpless six year old with a one word English vocabulary, waiting to get picked up by my tardy family. If someone asks you what you want to drink with your lunch, you say 'milk', they had thoughtfully taught me. And so I did. I answered milk to every question posed to me.

-Where do you live?
-Milk
-Is someone picking you up?
-Milk

My responses then made no more sense than do my present thoughts, but this is the only response I know. My state of mind demands a response so I keep thinking despite the obvious futility.

The Exception That Proves the Rule

Has the whole world gone insane or is it just I?

On ESPN tonight they were broadcasting the "Rock Paper Scissors" championships and the commentator was explaining how this really was a "sport" and replete with strategy, not just a game of random chance.

Then there was this guy who was well on his way to fulfilling his lifetime dream of surfing everyday for like 25 years. I don't think I've ever done anything everyday for 20+ years, other than pissing I guess.

Wicked!

Now, I may not be perfect, sir, but my soul is not wicked!

-NYPD Blue

The Roof, the Roof, the Roof Is on Fire!

You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, the curtains are gone and the water's boiling. Which problem do you deal with first? ...None of them! The building's on fire!

-House

What's the Alternative?

Cute Depreciates Quickly

An Occasion I Do not Wish to Celebrate

I Miss My Muse

Everything sucks, might as well find something to smile about.

-House

Gereyt Success!

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

-Attributed to Thomas Edison by Many

Et tu Brute?

I try to keep this blog devoid of blatant politics, but every once in a while you gotta give props when props are due. So Keith, Mr. Olbermann, it is with my heartfelt gratitude to you that I shall break with my convention and laud your diligence in speaking truth to power.

Who among us will stop this war—this War of Lies?
To he or she, fall the figurative keys to the nation.
To all the others—presidents and majority leaders and candidates and rank-and-file Congressmen and Senators of either party—there is only blame… for this shameful, and bi-partisan, betrayal.


Excerpted from Mr. Keith Olbermann's "Special Comment" on the subject of Iraq War Funding

My First Rule Is No Rules!

Who is the highway partrol to tell me what is and is not a lane!

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

Motivate

He who has a strong enough why can bear almost any how.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

May God Guide You in Your Quest

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

-The Office

Easy as Sunday Morning

It'd be so easy. Two hour drive, $50 worth of white horse pills, and a six pack of pudding snacks. Throw in some alcohol and a cellophane bag for insurance. Sounds easy enough, but some of us know better.

Pre-emptive Strike

Well, duh! How did you expect to feel?

It's a Shame the Question Has to Be Asked

Perilously teetering on the precipice of insanity has its advantages.

Nobody Drowned ON the Titanic

Gratuity Not Included

You know it's gratuitous when the gratuitous car washing scene is missing the car!

-The Soup's Joel McHale

Toxic

How much longer can I survive such close proximity to all things toxic?

Living In America

Alright, alright. Well you know... we each have our right to be wrong, that's America!

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

A Peculiar Test of a Man's Affection

Just Take Care of the Suit

My living quarters don't exactly inspire confidence.

Dare I Eat a Peach?

Sam: Used to be a semi-private bottom

Dalton: The army of dullness has recruited another soul.

Frasier: Does the woman every say no?
Carla: Only to you!

If John Mellencamp Ever Wins an Oscar...

It takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you... I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong, and I ain't that brave.

I saved a life, my own. Am I a hero? ... I really can't say, but yes.

-The Office

Step Off George!

I'm a love junkie, you gotta up the dose.

-Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report)

Well, Who's Laughing Now?

It's time to put humpty dumpty back together again.

If this is hell, I'm not THAT unhappy.

-Cheers

Choice II

I do know that... eh sometimes what looks like a choice, it's not really a choice at all.

-Raines

Is It Just Me...

or has it always been an existensial pack of lies?

Space, the Final Frontier

Together

In this life or next, we will be together.

-Lost

Thank the Lord, for Small Mercies

Well I'll be damned, that was actually far less painful than I'd anticipated.

Perspective

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly miss her more...

Whispers of our Muses

Started out as a small joke and turned into an enormous one.

Run... run like the wind!

She dropped you like a bad habit, sorry I didn't bring THAT up!

Lovely to see you, when will you be leaving.

-Cheers

Coy

Baldwin: You look nice today!

Valerie: Just today?

-NYPD Blue

Schadenfreude

"We were only 2 numbers away!"

That's what a well meaning co-worker uttered after the office pool did not win, again. I had to smile, my arrogant, disdainful "I'm glad I didn't put my money in the pot" smile.

I wasn't happy that they didn't win; I was glad that I hadn't lost my five bucks. Of course logic would dictate that had they won, I would have been none too pleased with my abstinence, so in essence I was rooting for them to lose.

I guess I kind of envy that misguided eternal hope, bordering on delusion. To have that much faith and optimism to decry being so close.

Maybe I'm just 2 numbers away too.

Hey, ... it's me

Put on the charm, he's got women issues.

-NYPD Blue

Not Quite Bliss

I wonder if she still "wants" me...

Grumpy

I don't know how much longer I can keep this ticking bomb from exploding.

No Se

That's just too many I don't know's.

-The Class

If only...

If only one could somehow capitalize on self-pity...

Separately, on an unrelated note...

Why are we going into the bathroom? I thought this was where you liked your privacy.

-The Office

Deja Vu

I've been here before, in fact this time around I've even nicely documented how I've been here before. Not exactly here, I guess, but close enough. Another Friday night alone and lonely, pitying myself. Contemplating idealized relationships, mine and others’ and about to succumb to intoxication and oblivion.

Just like those not so distant warm summer days. The same, only different. I sit behind a different desk, a bit heavier, obsess about a different girl, but I’m still the lost little boy desperately searching for his comfortable home well hidden amidst a cloud of melancholy and despair.

And I’m supposed to “take care of” people in the not too distant future. I, help others survive when my coping skills… But then again I’ve always been a better preacher than practitioner, editor than composer, a critic than…

It’s not even that I think I deserve better, I’m not THAT narcissistic. Not even that I want more. I wish for more, I dream for more, I yearn for and fantasize about more. Fantasy, fiction, make believe. The illusion of control the comfort and relief of infallibility and irresponsibility. Still a wayward child sifting through the fog.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Mistake

We all make mistakes...

Quick

Quick, don't think of an elephant.

214

I know I'm not the only one with 214 issues...

Greatness

The great ones play hurt.

What goes in after the coyote?

I think it's about time to resume interacting with the THREE-dimensional people.

Pleasant

I imagine it'd be nice to have someone to go home to.

Resolution

I guess I know what her New Year's resolution was.

Congratulations, universe. You win.

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer... merciless... insatiable...

There’s nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.

Not super crazy, just…just something about him that creeps me out, I can’t really explain it... I don’t understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

-I liked you better as the temp.
-Me too

It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that’s what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Better the devil you know, right?

Do you still have feelings for her?

Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago.

I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me...

I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me... But remember, while today it is me…we all shall fall

[He]will be missed. Not by me so much... but he will be missed.

-Courtesy of The Office

Am I THAT delusional? In other words, "is it real or is it Memorex?"

Master Thespian

O'Reilly: I'm not a tough guy. This is all an act.

Colbert: If you're an act, then what am I?

-The Colbert Report

Break

Break-time is officially over!